Watch your step. *****UPDATED****

I am broken. I am a puddle of nothing. I AM nothing. There's nothing left inside of me. I have been beaten down this month. Whether it was the stress of the new job or the stress of my mother's health which hasn't so much improved or just slowed its downward spiral temporarily... or whether it was caused by women... I am sitting here with nothing left in me. No compassion. No warmth. No caring. No empathy or sympathy. No love. I watch friends making what seem to be mistakes and the most I can muster is a "I don't think you should do that".

That ain't ME, people.

I ain't the type to watch a friend get hit by a bus. I ain't the type to simply yell, "Hey, asshole, look out for that bus!" I'm the one running at you to push your ass out of the damn way!

And yet... here I am... barely able to get my voice above a whisper.

And that was before tonite.

Tonight the last vestiges of myself were obliterated.

I get to start the new year with nothing more than the hope that mom makes it thru it. And that's WITHOUT the confidence that she will like in past years.

The month started off with me dealing with the ramifications of a choice I made in a woman. It seemed I made the wrong choice. I had overestimated our abilities to overcome our past and paid for it. But at the encouragement of another, I decided to rectify that and make the decision many were telling me was the correct one from the start.

We got along great.

We had stuff in common and were open to the stuff we didn't have in common.

We could spend every day together and not get bored. Even when we were friends we could do that. (Now this isn't uncommon for ME to be able to do that... when I like someone, it's never too much time together. But it IS odd for the other person to agree!)

The biggest hurdle, it seemed, was that we worried it was too much too soon. So we agreed to back off. That lasted all of a few days and then we were right back to spending days together. Sometimes even WHOLE 24 hours plus together. We never had to PLAN our next 'date' or 'meeting', it would just happen when the mood struck us... and it struck a LOT.

But now it seems the truth has come out. Once before our relationship was damaged because she had told me a stupid lie. A truly dumb one. No reason to NOT tell the truth sort of lie. And it damaged the trust. I was working thru it and was learning to trust her again when she dropped a new bomb on me today.

"You want to know the clue to me: I want what I cant have. When I get it, its not as important anymore. It isnt a game... for being able to read people I thought you would have figured me out by now."

I am left with nothing inside to hold me up. I am a puddle of goo on the ground.

Watch your step.



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New events and comments have brought much into doubt. Instead of making things better, it simply makes it all worse. Why must be people be like this? Why is it SO hard just to say what you mean and say the TRUTH?