Choices... decisions... options... selections... mistakes

What do you do when you feel like you keep making the wrong choices? It never fails, I change lanes on the highway and suddenly that lane that seemed to be moving at warp speed comes to a screaching halt. I change lines at Publix and I end up behind an old fuck who needs to seriously lay down cuz I'm pretty sure they're dead. I pick the wrong day to take a personal day. I pick the wrong fast food joint to eat lunch at. I pick the wrong xmas present. I flirt with the wrong woman. I grab the wrong watermelon. I used to call this "Betting on the wrong horse"... no I just call it "making a decision."

My recent "love" life has been a prime example of all this. If I'm not picking the one who ends up going back with her ex I'm picking the one who has to move out of the fucking COUNTRY or I'm picking the one who isn't ready for a serious relationship or I am picking that one AGAIN.

This has never been more in my face than within the past couple or three months. I was recently presented with a choice... could've been a BIG choice in my life... had that sort of potential, you know? I chose someone based on reason and history and potential. From the moment I made that choice I Was being told it was the wrong one.

Oh, not by my friends or family... they didn't really even know. Nope it was HER doing the telling. Granted, should've been my first clue, right, but I am not one to quit. Except a job that's too boring or too much work for the $. But when it comes to women, I am a tenacious bastard! And when it's because I actually made a CHOICE... well, by god, I am going to do what it takes to stand by it. Granted, there is a LOT of info here that I will not go into. Sorry, but I won't. Just trust me when I say there is more here than simply me dating a girl who ended up being bad for me... or vice versa. Sure... we had low points. We had too much history. Sad, but true. The same thing that could've made us stronger ended up hurting us. We couldn't let go of the times we accidentally or purposely hurt each other. Whether it was when SHE ran and hid from her feelings for me or when I got upset and vented and (accidentally... for the most part) used my knowledge of her against her... not publically, mind you. Lots of events. But dammit... when we were ON... we were golden.

Even she admitted the goodtimes were amazing. "Best ever"... her words. Mine, too, really.

But it wasn't meant to be and I wonder if deep down I always knew that... even the FIRST time we played at dating.

But we hit a major snag... much of it my fault. And she went running and hiding yet again. I made decisions and choices... all of them WRONG.

But what was the wrong choice? Was it WHO I picked or how I went about it or how I behaved during? All of them? Only a couple?

But now I have moved on... and I am sure she did, too. She shows all the signs (and I have told her this) and if history/precedence is any indicator, her behavior tells me she has moved on. Anywho, not important... what IS is that I have been faced now with a wonder if my current choice is also a mistake. New developments have arisen that frighten me. A certain behavior that those who know me will know bothers me above all others. And I don't know what to do.

What if I make the wrong choice?

How do I trust what I choose?

Should I ignore what it tells me and focus more on all the really great things? Should I accept that it was a one (or five) time(s) thing that won't happen again? But what if THAT is the wrong one?


Anywho... that's my dilemma... in rather general terms.