To put right what once went wrong...

It's all coming apart. The glue that held this reality I've deluded myself into believing is losing its sticky. I know suicide is a coward's way out but am faced with too many friends lately who have a definite yellowish tint. I watch as people debate sacrificing so much for so little... a whim... a game... a gesture to a man who no longer cares to consider thinking about possibly remembering who they could've been at one time.
Life.
It's wasted on the living.
They walk around and party and drink and smoke and fuck and eat and work and talk but living is beyond their grasp.
They're biding their time until their time is up.
They're waiting out the reaper.
Some seem to think the last chance at control is when the end comes but also seem to say that when it's someone's time to go, it's their time. IF that's the case then how do they know that they choose to do it themselves at THEIR time because it IS their time?
Oh, but wait. I forgot. Logic has no place in this conversation. Neither does faith. Nor compassion, it feels. To talk to them is to be met with condescension and disdain. I couldn't possibly understand what they're going thru. Probably not. I know pain. I know MY pain. I know what I'VE been thru and what I'm GOING thru and I know nothing has ever made me think for a second to give up.
I am nothing if not persistent.
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Whatever happened to romance? I don't mean hearts and flowers and candy and dates and so on. I mean actual romantic FEELINGS!! When did dating become a job interview? When did courtship become a race to the bedroom or the altar, depending on those involved.
I want to get married. I want kids. I want a family around me. I just want it with the right woman. Fun is fun and I am enjoying the fun but once the right woman presents herself as such, the fun is over... so to speak. I never make a secret out of the fact that I do hang out or go out or make out with people. I don't want to hide anything. I want to get to know people and learn about them. I spent over a decade of my life obsessed and committed to one woman and she destroyed me. I am hesitant to run that risk again so instead I play it SO safe that I am possibly missing out. Women meet someone else and move on. They get married and live happily ever after. I am happy for them. I am happy for all of them because the truth of the matter is
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I'm tired. I don't sleep as well as I should. I don't eat as well as I should. I work too much and play too much and say too much. I need to take time for myself and just relax. I need to get away from everyone. I need to get away from myself. I find myself alone with myself and hating the company and that's just not me. That's not how I was or how I want to be. That's simply wrong. But... I know I can;t do that because I will miss my friends. Maybe that is the problem: I've become dependent on other people. I never got bored before. I was always able to enjoy myself no matter what, no matter where. My imagination was my friend any time real people weren't around. I just never got bored. Now I find myself bored a lot. I find myself wanting to go out all the time and be around people but at the same time I don't want to hold them back. I don;t want to be in the way. When I meet up with a group and they are already having fun... I feel I shouldn't interfere with it. That's not me, either, dammit!
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I miss my dad.
I barely knew the guy but I miss him.
I barely got along with him while he was alive but I miss him.
I can't say for sure he knew I loved him or how much.
I can't say for sure if he'd be proud of me but I doubt it.
I miss my dad but what bothers me the most...
I am more worried about when mom goes. When she goes, the family will drift apart. I'm not close to my siblings. I live with my sister and we're strangers. I see my other sister several times a week and we can go a month without saying a word to each other. My brother has always been someone I didn't understand or know and yet we're supposedly so much alike.
I miss my dad.
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Stop me if you've heard this one....
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Reality as a concept needs to be rethought. I am losing control. My thoughts aren't coherent or cohesive or cooperating. I can't remember some basic things and I can't form new memories. I forget names the same as always but now forget stories, too. I never forgot a story before. That was how I remembered things... I remembered people by the stories they told. I can't do that anymore. I'm losing control of my mind. I'm scared of who will TAKE control once I completely relinquish it. I'm scared of myself. I worry for other people and have to fight the urge to scare them away. For my own selfish reasons I deny them their own good.
I am not a nice man. I am a bad man.
Wait... strike that, reverse it.
I am a dangerous man. I need to be stopped. I need to stop fighting my destiny. My reason for being here. I am the Sam Beckett of relationships. My job is simply to leap in, fix the damage done by the previous dick, get her up and running like she should where she likes herself and realizesd her value and then leap on. Just like with Sam, I never get to decide when I leap. Unlike with Sam, I know who IS doing it. I need to stop trying to control it.
I need to finish what I've started and move on.
I've been here too long and have done all the good I can do. I think it's time I leapt out of here.
Maybe then I can regain myself and find someone who will deem me worthy.
I belong in a relationship. It's home to me.
Or I don't and it's not.
Oh, just ignore me... I'm just talking nonsense.