Bert and Ernie

I was watching TV and heard that good ol' bit about Bert and Ernie being gay again. You know the bit... that just cause they're male and live together and share a bedroom (but not a BED!!) and argue like and old married couple, they MUST be gay.

It always amazes me how adults try so hard to ascribe sexuality to things that don't NEED it. And why is it we only REALLY focus on if they are homosexual? Why can't characters, especially ones intended for children, just BE? Why do they have to be straight or gay or whatever? No one cares about whether Big Bird is male or female since you never see HIM snuggling up to anything. He SEES Snuffy, he doesn't SLEEP with Snuffy. Oscar is a "confirmed bachelor" but no one says it's cause he's a flamer. Hell, Kermit wasn't seen as straight until the Muppet Show with the introduction of Miss Piggy (a show meant for adults, btw). Until then, you only saw him hanging out with Rowlf. Gonzo loves chickens but he was never on Sesame Street so it's ok. Plus, they finally "outed" him as an alien so all's well, I guess. And I guess we don't find it odd that Grover likes to dress up in a cape and knight's helmet and NOTHING ELSE and fly over town. He and Cookie Monster are both MONSTERS so they CAN'T be gay. Not human. Not even close. The Count? Vampires are sexually ambiguous anyway (damn you, Anne Rice!) but also notoriously sexually drawn to females so he can't be gay. No one questions Mumford or Elmo or the rest. Oh, no.. you have to go to OTHER shows to see the gay-dar of the masses in full effect.

Teletubbies. Ok, yeah... the purple MIGHT be gay.. but hard to decide since I can't REALLY tell the orientation of the others.

Mr. Rogers with his imaginary world with queens and fairies and a fascination with watching a trolley go into a tight hole. Not to mention his shoe fetish.

Capt'n Kangaroo and all his MALE friends and the image of a lot of BALLS dropping onto his head.

Scooby Doo... I mean, REALLY? Fred is banging Daphne, most would agree. Velma is a bull dyke, no question. So that leaves Shaggy and his best bud Scooby... well, SHAGGING! After smoking pot, of course.

The Smurfs... they wear their blue balls on the outside!! And a whole village with just ONE chick? And she came up LATER. They started with NO WOMEN! Nice side note: Smurfette was created by Gargamel to infiltrate and destroy the Smurf village. Hmmmm... women are EVIL according to the Smurfs. But what I always questioned, even back then, was that none of the Smurfs questioned what a female was... even though they didn't HAVE any already. How come? If they HAD a female before, what happened to her? Death by blue-kake?

All these wonderful theories abound even though they were never intended and certainly aren't relevant to enjoying the shows. Hell, Smurfs are asexual, it was later revealed. One is born on a blue moon and they find the child on a mushroom in a certain spot. Daphne would be seen WITHOUT Fred and Shaggy and Daphne were often shown dating in later eps (AND the movie). Mr. Rogers was a minister and Capt'n Kangaroo was just lonely. The Teletubbies I don't understand but never watched them so... eh.

But Bert and Ernie just bug some people. They HAVE to know about them! Yes, Bert HAS appeared in some scenes where Ernie is in the tub with rubber ducky... but not IN the tub with him. They sleep in seperate beds and get along like they do cause they are old roommates and have learned to hate each other JUST as much as they care for one another. Anyone else understand that concept? But I know people like to talk about it... and not just those people on various VH1 specials who like to pretend they are 'celebrities'.

So, in the interest of putting this to rest... always remember:

Bert and Ernie are BOTH gay! How do I know? Cause they both have felt penises.

Hope that helps. I'm off to host Trivia.. everyone have a blast!