It's not how many times you get knocked down...

Something has to go right eventually, right? Let's see how this year has gone so far:
My mother keeps getting sicker and my sister seems to be racing her to the grave, my other sister can't stop drinking every night and refuses to see it as a problem, I get left for an ex-boyfriend more times than I care to count, I get some earth shattering news that should be cause for celebration but is done in such a way as to ruin it, a woman I cared for deeply has to deal with a tremendous loss and I am so closely associated with the idea that her husband hated me that I can't even talk to her without her bringing it up, I get in trouble at work for a friend's email again so that's two strikes on my file right around review time, I keep getting used by women to pass the time or make someone jealous or simply as a game, and then I get to the current event in my life.
Saturday night as I was heading out to have dinner with a friend I hit a puddle of something in the road, spun out and crashed my car into a guard rail. I was completely shaken up and out of it for many minutes before I could even start to call anyone. I called for my sister to come help me get the trivia equipment out of my trunk since it might start raining again and the truck wasn't shutting. The guard rail wasn't noticeably damaged so I was hoping to get out of there without any cops.
Yay for the good samaritans who called 911.
Bastards!
Kidding, I know their hearts were in the right place and I appreciate the effort. I can say that because ultimately I wouldn't get a ticket. :o)
I call my insurance company in case I still have roadside assistance (nope, expired in march) and I checked my card from the car dealer for same (nope, expired last march) but I at least reported the accident and asked them to refer me to a tow company so I could get the car home. It was still driveable but there were no longer any tail lights or brake lights so I wasn't too keen on driving at night and in the rain.
It was as I was on the phone with the insurance company that the cop arrived.
And then my sister.
With my mother.
So as I tried to get the number for the tow company, I also had to finish the report AND talk to the cop AND deal with my sister who wanted to get the shit out of my truck and get moving AND deal with my mother AND deal with the fact that I just got scared out of my mind and was still shaking and was simply trying to hold it all together.
Wait... what?
Yeah, I got freaked, ok?
Think about something... those of you who read this regularly know what happend to my first girlfriend's husband just recently, right? Late at night, he hit wrecked his car and died. So as I start to realize the back of my car isn't doing what it's told and I start to spin and that my relief that no other cars were around was fading as I saw that guard rail coming at me WAY too fast... well, I thought I was done.
Gone, John.
Over, Grover.
Dead, Fred.
Finito, Pepito.
Kaput, Helmut.
I had no life flash before my eyes. It was like the great book by James Morrow, "This Is How The World Ends". I saw a future that wouldn't be. I held my wife and child in my arms. I showed my kid to my mother and sister. I had to go out of town for a book tour. I heard from old friends hwo were doing well.
And it was fading.
I was sacrificing everything to go have dinner with a friend and felt stupid.
Then a funny thing happened.
The car hit the shoulder and spun around again and I hit the rail with the back end of the car and though I got jolted pretty bad (my radio flew out of the dash!), I was still breathing. The car came to a stop finally after hitting the rail again, just on the other side of the back end, and I was ok. I was off the road so no fear of other cars hitting me and I was breathing. I was ok. I wasn't bleeding or injured. And I just freaked out. I was shaking too bad to think beyond that.
A guy stopped and came up to the car and asked if I was ok and I snapped out of it for a bit and said yeah. I got out of the car and looked around. The passenger side was sinking into mud and the trunk was a mess and the lights were hanging off and stuff. A woman (who would call 911) came running across the road to check on me and I said again that I was ok. They asked if they needed to stay and I said "no" so they left.
I sat back in my car for a few minutes and then began to make the phone calls.
When I finally got back home and got into bed, I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing it over and over and over. I still do. I was afraid.
I want to hold my wife and kid, dammit. I want my mother to meet her new grandbaby. I want my sisters to meet their niece. I want to finally DO something with my life. I think I may have finally found a fear greater than my fear of failure.
Maybe.
But for now, I'm just still a mess.
I still see it and I still find myself shaking and scared. But I made it thru Sunday with all that happened THAT day.
I talked to Carla. We talked and hung out and she drove me to Publix and we talked. We talked about her boyfriend and what's going on there and I offered my advice and did my best to help her relax and have fun instead of stressing. She drove off after giving me a hug (which I have been sorely needing) and I came inside and collapsed. I barely made it to the couch and just lost all energy. I simply sat there and everything hit me at once. I got up after about 20-30 minutes or was it 2-3 hours... I don't remember. But I got up and went to bed so I could get up early today and get the stuff done to get my rental car and go to work early.
And then today... I get to work after they towed my car into the shop this morning. I got a rental (nice little 07 Mazda 3). I get a call around 4pm to tell me that the cost to fix my car would be about 5775.
I still owed about 6150.
They totalled the car.
So I have a rental until saturday and then.......... ?
But something has to go right eventually, right?
After all, it's not how many times you get knocked down.
It's how many times you get back up.