The wookie has no pants.

I've had a lot of time lately to realize certain things about my personal focus in life. Or, more to the point, it's apparent lack of focus.
I worry that my priorities are a bit askew.
Misdirected.
Misaligned.
F*cked up.
I thought I was doing so well when I stopped dreaming of writing and drawing and stuff and tried to get a "real job". I thought I had it all sorted out when I began looking at someone as a future wife/mother instead of a fun lay or good time. I thought I knew what was up when I went out of my way to get my OWN car instead of having the 'rents cosign with me. I thought my own feelings of self-sacrifice would be what makes me a real person... real man... real adult.
Lately I've started seeing it all differently.
I have learned that it's the writing and drawing that keep me sane. I doodle constantly at work, not enough to impact my efficiency but I know I could certianly be MORE efficient.
It's just that whenever I try to just focus on work... I go a bit bonkers.
The writing can just be emails to folks or blog comments or something but it's all very important. The drawing can be anything from simple doodles in the margins of my notepad to fully rendered cartoons or birthday cards... in COLOR. It doesn't matter... it's my sanity that's important. Cause if I ain't having fun at work, I tend to not want to go. Or when I do go, I tend to not really want to be there so my work suffers.
That's right... so letting me doodle and email people actually makes me a BETTER worker. I'm not kidding.
I've also learned that my need to "help" people has left me with nothing much in the way of MY life. I have friends whom I am incredibly thankful for and, in my quieter moments, I have moments and accomplishments that I can hold dear.
Except they aren't really MY accomplishments. They are things I helped OTHER people accomplish. Whether it's getting away from a bad boyfriend or putting in for a job and getting it or changing how they see themself... it ultimately doesn't benefit ME in the slightest. Of all the people I have helped or tried to help, it ends up being me that pays the price. So... hard as it is for me to say/type, I need to start being more selfish in MY life.
See, that's the key to it. It's MY life. I'm the only one who has to live it and when all is said and done, I have to take responsibility for my actions so I should reap some of the benefits of them, right? Is it wrong of me to think like that? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure. Because all my times acting as a TP (transitional person) may have gotten me laid and some nice time with some wonderful women... it only leaves me with memories. They get to move on, better than they may have been otherwise.
(This is not arrogance, btw, this comes from actual feedback from the people so please don't say anything about it, mmkay? Great. Moving on.)
But I get to feel hurt and used and abused and discarded. Yes, I set it up and yes I know it's coming but it has to be REAL for it have an impact on them so I have to take myself to a level that opens me up to extreme pain. It may be short-lived but it does hurt. It's the ones where I'm NOT trying to be a TP that REALLY hurts me and leaves lasting marks.
That brings me to the other point about finding a wife. I once seriously considered certain women simply because they had certain physical traits I wanted to add to the family bloodline. I won't say which traits cause it would give too much away but trust me... it was a weird point in my life. I would fall for women because of what they offered as a mate and not as a friend or companion or as a partner. It was more a case of COULD I spend my life with them more than do I WANT to. That's gotten me nowhere.
Basically, I was focusing on the future in the wrong areas and on the present in others and on the past in still others... none were lined up right.
That has to change.
Work should be about the future. I need to secure my financial outlook. I know that. But my sanity is also important to me so I need to also consider finding a job I can love.
The same is true for any woman I will let into my life. I have to be able to love her. Deeply. Without fear and without regret.
It's all about trust, right?
I need to allow myself to shift my focus and start to see the things that ARE important AS important.
Family.
Friends.
ME.
I need to remember to think about ME.
And for some of you, that will make you laugh because you think I already do that. For those of you... you really don't know me. I will ask for support when I am in pain when all else fails and I realize I can't do it alone. I have to have parched lips and be coughing up dust before I ask for a sip of your water. All someone I care about has to say is "man, I'm starting to get a little thirsty" and I'm buying them a case of their favorite soda.
THAT is who I am. THAT is who I have always been.
I don;t want to lose that... just augment it with a bit of self-importance.
Maybe that will keep me from being so easily swayed when someone actually likes me. And maybe it will keep me from going too overboard whenever I like someone.
Who knows?
I'm just thinking it's worth a shot.