Ok, this is a shitty year, alright...
... But then... most of you have gathered that. Everything is confused... nothing makes sense... things that seemed so, well, RIGHT just a few short weeks ago now seem so far out of reach that i can't understand how I ever imagined them. I came close to losing my mother. I still may yet lose her. Actually, that's a naive statement. I WILL lose her, that's unavoidable but the thought of it has been slapping me in the face so much lately that I forget that I didn't used to ponder it. Now it's all I think about when I see her. Work is frustrating but some of that comes from me dating co-workers. One has moved on and is so giddy happy it sometimes makes me want to vomit (no offense) and the other hates me. The only other people I am halfway interested in knowing are, well, a bit odd and difficult to get to know. So much mystery and things being hidden and such.
It reminds me of the other night when we were searching for my sort-of ex after she stormed out. Her friend tried to call her on her cell and got that message "The subscriber you are trying to reach" message and she said to me, "Well, at least we know she was terlling the truth about that."
Later, her friend looked at me after talking with the ex-b/f and we were trying to figure out the next course of action and she said "That's assuming he isn't on his way to pick her up. She may have told him where she was."
"This is why I don't lie, dammit," I replied.
I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure. That night has become a jumble of events and crap but that idea was shared. It's the idea that we DIDN'T know who to trust. After all, we WERE dealing with HER ex boyfriend and HER family. All she had to say if she spoke to them was "Don't tell William" and voila, I'm out of the loop and so is her friend. IT just sucked.
Or with Ma... they've kept a LOT from me over the years because I'm "the baby of the family" so now I wonder if I ever get the WHOLE story. It's frustrating when what I know is BAD... imagine my worry when I have to consider there may be a lot I DON'T know. ARGH!
So what do I do? I can keep trying to keep my mind off everything and not worry about two women who are very important to me. Or, as some will suggest, focus more on someone who DIDN'T (possibly play me or screw me over). I can dwell on everything and continue not sleeping much. I can try and find something to occupy my time. Used to be so easy when I did trivia 3-4 tmes a week. I can always try to meet new people.
bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sorry, that was funny to me.
It's just weird... there was a time when I was busy enough on my own and yet, the absence of one person leaves a hole that seems unfillable. Why is that? Why is it so hard for me to walk away from ANYONE or anything?
My friend, Jon, liked to point out that I simply MUST have the last word. That's not always true. I DO want understanding... I want to know the TRUTH of it all. So I ask a lot of questiosn about mom. I ask questions about my sort-of ex. I ask lots of questions becasue things don't make sense. Less than 24 hoursto go from hating me to loving me to hating me even more? WTF? How did mom get SO sick SO fast? How did I even GET this promotion if you're now saying on my review that I haven't done everything I need to do for the rank?
Confusion.
Crap.
It reminds me of the other night when we were searching for my sort-of ex after she stormed out. Her friend tried to call her on her cell and got that message "The subscriber you are trying to reach" message and she said to me, "Well, at least we know she was terlling the truth about that."
Later, her friend looked at me after talking with the ex-b/f and we were trying to figure out the next course of action and she said "That's assuming he isn't on his way to pick her up. She may have told him where she was."
"This is why I don't lie, dammit," I replied.
I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure. That night has become a jumble of events and crap but that idea was shared. It's the idea that we DIDN'T know who to trust. After all, we WERE dealing with HER ex boyfriend and HER family. All she had to say if she spoke to them was "Don't tell William" and voila, I'm out of the loop and so is her friend. IT just sucked.
Or with Ma... they've kept a LOT from me over the years because I'm "the baby of the family" so now I wonder if I ever get the WHOLE story. It's frustrating when what I know is BAD... imagine my worry when I have to consider there may be a lot I DON'T know. ARGH!
So what do I do? I can keep trying to keep my mind off everything and not worry about two women who are very important to me. Or, as some will suggest, focus more on someone who DIDN'T (possibly play me or screw me over). I can dwell on everything and continue not sleeping much. I can try and find something to occupy my time. Used to be so easy when I did trivia 3-4 tmes a week. I can always try to meet new people.
bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sorry, that was funny to me.
It's just weird... there was a time when I was busy enough on my own and yet, the absence of one person leaves a hole that seems unfillable. Why is that? Why is it so hard for me to walk away from ANYONE or anything?
My friend, Jon, liked to point out that I simply MUST have the last word. That's not always true. I DO want understanding... I want to know the TRUTH of it all. So I ask a lot of questiosn about mom. I ask questions about my sort-of ex. I ask lots of questions becasue things don't make sense. Less than 24 hoursto go from hating me to loving me to hating me even more? WTF? How did mom get SO sick SO fast? How did I even GET this promotion if you're now saying on my review that I haven't done everything I need to do for the rank?
Confusion.
Crap.
posted by wmjwatson at 7:53 PM
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