What the fu**????

Return to Sender

I deal with returned mail at work and one today had a stamp that caught my eye. Made me think of Miracle on 34th Street for some reason. Must be the wording.

DECEASED

UNABLE TO FORWARD

RETURN TO SENDER

No time for reviews...

So, don't expect too much detail... real quick like....

CRANK

Fun movie, not for everyone. A hitman, Jason Statham, is injected with a chinese poison designed to kill him within an hour. The only way he can stay alive is keep his adrenalin pumping. This means there is lots of action, fighting, angry sex and such.

Great supporting performance by Dwight Yoakam. I miss the guy singing but, damn, he is a good actor.

Again... not for everyone and plays a bit like Run Lola Run or Amelie. Not for the plot but for the way the plot plays out. It is NOT Transporter... which was awesome. Thankfully it is also NOT Transporter 2... which sucked.

ILLUSIONIST

I loved this flick. I can't say too much about it for fear of ruining it but I will say the performances are wonderful (give Norton an oscar and Giammatti and Sewell some noms!!) and the style is fun. The plot is the real winner, though. Kept me engaged for most of it... except for a really unnecessary sex scene that pulled me out of it. Great flick...check it out. Just don't tell people what the story is beyond "A magician in late 1800's (I think) Europe falls in love with a royal chick and is under investigation for that and for possibly being a real magician." Taht should suffice in getting them interested and going to see it.

THE PROTECTOR

Tony Jaa is back!! Good god, is he back! THIS is a fighting movie, dammit! Like a really good porn movie with the perfect amount of sex scenes and just enough plot so you aren't going "Where'd the pool boy come from? They don't own a pool!" You watch this movie for the fights and the stunts and it delivers. If you saw Ong Bak then you know what this guy is capable of. Scratcht that, you only THOUGHT you knew! I worry for this guy.. .I can't imagine how he's goign to top these stunts. Sure, you have a few really bad effects in it but who cares. Sure it feels at times like they were making the story up on the fly. Sure you wonder where his opponents come from and if they really expect us to believe that he's REALLY breaking bones but.. .who flipping cares!! The fighting is amazing, the stunts breathtaking and and and... argh!! JUST GO SEE IT!!

And keep your eye on the scene where he enters the VIP room in the back of Johnny's restaurant. Just. Watch. The. Screen. Don't blink.

OH, and for those who've seen it, no that's NOT Jackie Chan. And if you were one of the fucks in my theatre screaming that out, please die.

ACCEPTED

Funny, giggle worthy and definitely worth checking out. Upbeat story with a good message. I like Justin Long in comedies. Lewis Black is great, too.

BEERFEST

Funny, good nudity (for the guys) and enough jokes to warrant the run time. Best of the Broken Lizard flicks.

Ok...that's all I can remember right now. Sorry. Supposed to see Lil Miss Sunshine this weekend. Maybe Covenant, too.

Paul

Paul stood in front of the full length mirror admiring himself. He would put his hands on his hips and twist at the waist. He'd put his hands up, pretending to stretch. He even turned around at one point and touched his toes, peeking between his legs to admire his ass. He had just finished doing a quick double spin and an imaginary Farrah Fawcett hair flip when the phone rang.

"Hello," he answered. Realizing his voice was still a bit high pitched he coughed and repeated his greeting, deeper.

"Paul?" It was a woman's voice. "Paul, is that you?"

It was Meggan. His heart skipped a beat and he mumbled a reply to confirm his identity.

"Paul," Meggan continued, almost ignoring his grunt, "you still have some stuff of mine and I'd really like it back."

Paul continued to look into the mirror, his mind swirling. Even though the break up WAS his idea and he knew it was for the best, he still missed Meggan. He missed their talks. He missed how she would always laugh whenever he told a joke, intentional or not. He missed how she could make him feel 100% better just by walking into the room. Unfortunately, he realized after some time that he missed her more than he was actually AROUND her. They were both just far too busy and he had so much else going on in his life that he never felt up to making even the slightest effort. No matter how bad that may make him look, Paul knew it to be true. He was finding himself interested in other people and it was only after cutting off the relationship that he realized just how much he cared for Meggan.

"PAUL!" Meggan was yelling into the phone to get his attention. "Dammit, Paul," she quickly said, "I need my stuff back!" She paused a few beats then added, "when can I come get it?"

"What stuff?" Paul made an effort to look around his room. After a couple of motions of looking under his bed and in the closet it hit him that she couldn't see his performance and stopped. "If you tell me what stuff," he said, "I can get it to you."

"Jesus, Paul, you can't figure out which shit is yours and what stuff is mine?"

Paul was half tempted to question her use of the word "shit" to describe his stuff while describing her shit as "stuff" but thought the better of it. "I just don't want to miss anything," Paul said calmly. 'You bitch,' he thought.

"Uh, christ," Meggan said, pausing and talking to herself to organize the list. "Um, a couple of cd's, my hairbrush, a book for psych, that t-shirt with the chickens on it and my bathing suit."

"Bathing suit?"

"Yeah, remember? I kept coming over THERE to swim so I just left it there a couple of weeks ago?" Meggan waited a moment for Paul to acknowledge some understanding or memory. "The two piece, black and red one?"

Paul nodded and said, "Rrrrright. I know that one."

"So I can come get all of it or what?"

Paul could hear the aggravation in her voice and grunted his agreement in order to hopefully keep her from getting any madder.

"Ok, great. I'll be by around 7."

"Cool."

"And Paul?" Meggan asked.

"Yeah?"

"Don't make it awkward, ok?"

"NO problem," Paul said, a bit too much emphasis on the 'no'. "I promise... simple exchange of items. You come here, I'll bring it all down."

"Great. I'm glad. See you later."

Paul hung up the phone and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes bored into themselves and he began reciting the conversation again and again. He moved around a bit, posing and walking. He pulled at the top to adjust it. It was a bit too big in some places but he was barely able to tie it in back. The bottom piece fit ok except for the whole thing where his testicles felt like they were trying to go back up inside him.

He started to yell all the words Meggan had said to him and paced madly about his small room. He would occasionally knock something over on a shelf or kick the bed as he repeated "Let's not make it awkward" in a high, nasally voice, his nose scrunched up and eyebrows raised.

The next day' newspaper would report a story about cops being called out to a suburban neighborhood to arrest a young man running about in a skimpy two piece bathing suit, red and black, while screaming various unintelligible words and phrases. Onlookers would report only understanding a few bits including "chicken", "feathers", "bang my bunny" and "Yes, Mr. Ed, I'd love to have your saddle".

Steve Irwin died? Damn!.

Ok, first of all... go read either THIS or THIS or read the story from whatever news source you prefer. These were the two pointed out by a new MySpace buddy, Stefani (go read her blog!) and so I will use them. I will add in MSNBC just because it's my home page and had I NOT been in such a hurry this morning to go straight to all my other sites, I would've seen it.

Steve Irwin. Crocodile Hunter. Married with 2 young kids. Dead at 44. The guy that wrestled every fricking beastie you could think of and never let his obvious fear and concern get the best of him... died from a stingray tail bard to the chest. The news reports list this as a fluke, really. It's "rare" to actually be killed by one. It essentially hit him in exactly the right spot to kill him.

I could sit here and discuss that I am sure it's how everyone EXPECTED him to die... doing his job. Doing what he loved. But somehow I doubt anyone expected it THIS soon. With all the stuff that has bitten and stung and grappled him over the years, and how much strength he still obviously possessed... I don't think anyone expected him to die at such a young age. 44. Wow. My sisters aren't even 44 yet.

I'm not going to lie and say I was a huge fan of his show. I watched it on occasion and enjoyed it but never marked the tv guide or set the VCR. I had wnated to see his movie in the theatres, sure, but no one else would go with me. He made learning about animals exciting. Sometimes TOO exciting. You would forget what he was saying about them and really just sit there waiting to see if it bit him.

But that was cool. I mean, shit... it's what HE was doing, too.

I don't like that every story focuses on his "Crikey!" yell. I don't really remember that as much as I remember "Oh, she's a beauty!". THAT was distinctive Steve Irwin. That's like saying Paul Hogan would be remembered for saying "G'Day" all the time. Bullshit! He'll be the "That's not a knife" guy forever!

Irwin didn't simply make the Australia Zoo world famous... he made Australia a tourist destination again. He did more for them than the Olympics did. He took the image created by Crocodile Dundee and expanded it. He added a dimension to the place that made even ME want to go there. I felt confident that it would be safe and that all the REALLY nasty beasties were kept away from the public.

Irwin also changed nature shows.

In the past, the face of the show... the host... was the guy narrating and sitting safely on the helicopter or boat or jeep or whatever. The assistant was the one expected to go out and tackle the damn things and show the audience how big the testicles were on the males. Irwin put the assistant front and center and the genre would never be the same. Every time you watch one of those shows and see the guy out there holding the snake or wolverine or whatever while talking breathlessly to the camera, sweat pouring off his concerned face... you can thank Steve Irwin. He may not have been teh first... but he was the one who made it THE way to do it.

He loved animals, he loved his job, he loved his family. Unfortunately, it was the first two that ended up hurting the third. I feel bad for his family. I feel bad for the Australia Zoo and for Australia as a whole. They've lost their greatest spokesman in YEARS. And I feel bad for us... we lost a great character who lived his life the way we all should try to... do what you love and love what you do, no exceptions and no compromises. if YOU know it's safe to have your baby with you while feeding crocs cause it's how YOU were raised... fuck everyone else!!!

I think in rememberance.. .we should all find as many ways to work Australianisms and Irwinisms into conversations. So remember... if you see something you like today... don't say "That's cool" or "neat!" or "man, that's hot"...

Say "SHE'S A BEAUTY!!!"