Hmmm.... about this "shuttle" thing.

Isn't it interesting how the shuttle makes the news again? I mean, for a while there I remember hearing a small blurb or reading a minor article in the back of the paper that the shuttle had landed and it always made me think, "The shuttle went up?" Living in Florida, that was odd for me. And for many years I lived in Orlando where you could watch the shuttle launch from my front yard. I still have vivid memories of the Challenger explosion, watching the smoke trail rising and then thinking "That didn't look right" and running back inside to see it on tv. That big ol' smokey Y shape stayed in the sky a long damn time. And afterwards, the shuttle was in the news. But slowly, as more and more missions went up and came down with no incident, the news stopped caring about the shuttle.
So did the people.
Well, except for the astronauts and their families and the crew and so on but you understand.
No one cared about something that worked.
Then we lost another one.
And suddenly... the shuttle was news again. And not just for the accident but the build up to the next mission was covered. When was the last time you remember seeing them talk about a shuttle mission MONTHS before it was scheduled to launch? Hell, a WEEK before? But now that a shuttle launch and return had the chance for serious destruction, newsfolk were covering it like a NASCAR race.
The shuttle gets delayed! Why? Film at 11!
The shuttle rescheduled so it doesn't miss the launch window! What does this all mean to YOU?!?! Tune in tonight!
The shuttle launched without incident and is in space! What could go wrong while up there? Find out at 10!
The shuttle is on its way back to earth... are YOU safe?!?! Follow Skip Dipshit's coverage at 5!
It's getting scary. Not because of what COULD go wrong. And not because it seems like the news people WANT something to go wrong.
No... but those wicked, conspiratorial thoughts that creep in when you realize tht NASA could've planned all this to get attention, those can be really scary.
If you think it's far-fetched to consider, remember we live in a world where:
People attempt suicide to get attention.
Kids throw wicked tantrums in public places to get their parents attention.
A guy will take his own kid hostage and then use it as a shield to get attention.
A man will shoot the president to get a lesbian actress' attention.
A man will walk into his former job and shoot old co-workers and friends to get attention.
Two kids will arm themselves with guns and explosives and put their classmates through hell to get attention.
Rich people will allow videos of them having sex released to the world to get attention.
Mothers will slowly poison their children to get attention.
Old men will go out into crops and plan and execute complicated patterns just to get attention (without actually getting attention since it's all a big secret... it's a stretch to include this one, sure, but it's MY damn list).
Girls wear barely-there clothes to accentuate boobs that aren't even fully developed yet to get attention.
Boys will do dumb ass stunts and TAPE it just to get attention.
Boys will commit crimes and TAPE it just to get attention.
People will write their own blogs just to get attention.
And, of course, people will READ those same blogs and post comments (please do, actually) just to get attention.
So why would it be so hard to believe that NASA would sacrifice a shuttle or two to get attention to a program that was losing the public's interest?
Hmmmmmm.
I mean, shit... we have a president who faked a need for war and no one had a problem with THAT.

Sorry about the poetry...

It fills space. {:o)

My New Religion (2004)

I bow before your still crossed heart,
Your dying hopes echoing in the air.
I see our future through a needles eye.
It’s simple and pure and yet so far off.

Our innocence shows me all that is.
Our childish advances stop what could be.
Our youth serves to only slow us down.
Our age just brings pity from others.

Still my faith grows with every moment
And my heart yearns to feel your warmth.
While your glow gives me knowledge unknown
But the faster we move the further we go.

I have learned to pray to you, my new god.
I offer all sacrifices and tributes in your name.
I give you all my will and trust and wants.
I can do nothing without your blessing.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
And pray my heart you will keep
I lay and watch you ‘til you wake
And hope someday your hand I’ll take.

Family Time.

Ok, I have been busy this week. My brother has come in from GA and I have been doing the whole "family time" thing. I learned a long time ago that family is much easier to tolerate when you don't LIVE with them. Sure, I live with my sister but our schedules and interests keep us pretty seperated. But this week has been all about hanging out with Ma, my other sister, my brother and his four kids. Wow. Don't get me wrong, I love them all like blood but sometimes... ugh. You know the feeling, right? You get to those days where your fondest wish is to find out you're adopted. I am the youngest of 4 by 6 years (9 years from the oldest). My siblings were always so much older than me. I know there exists greater age gaps in other families, shut up. It was big enough for me. It means I can see traits in them BEFORE they have a chance to start to develop in ME. And now that I am over thirty and they are either approaching forty or over it, I can see even more. Some stuff I want. Some I don't. Some is based on what they HAVE. Some is based on what I think they SHOULD have.
I want a family of my own.
I actually want to LOVE and LIKE whoever I end up marrying.
I want a solid career.
I want a solid career making good money.
I want a solid career making good money in something I can actually be excited about doing.
I want to travel.
I want a home... Not a house so much as a home.
I want to still be able to act like a kid and not be such a stick in the mud.
I don't want to lose my memory for another 30 years, at least.
I never want to have to deal with anything that makes me face my own mortality until I actually DIE.
I don't want to die anytime soon.
I never want to get divorced... especially if kids are involved.
I want to be able to be myself no matter what.
I want to do something crazy.
I don't want to do something nuts.
I never want to deal with a child in the hospital.
I want my family to be proud of me.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to have someone I can actually SLEEP with.
I never want to look at my wife and NOT want to just jump her bones.
I want to be able to fall asleep when it is TIME to fall asleep instead of being tired all fricking day until the lights are turned off.
Notice the time stamp on this and you'll understand.

Everyone have a great week in case I don't get back here.

The Drowning Man (2004)

I find that I’m set adrift and lost in a wild sea
I know what has happened but not why it had to be
I see you in the distance, my former ship of choice
I scream as I am sinking but you ignore my voice
I splash about, wave my arms and try to catch your eye
I want help, not pity or at least to hear “Good-bye”
I find instead your back is turned, your hair blown by breeze
I see you have little time to humor all my pleas
I cannot see if your face is also marked by tears
I don’t know if it’s the future causing all your fears
I am alone and lost and I don’t know what to do
I have no hope another ship will just happen through
I watch you sail further away, leaving from my sight
I can’t stop your going, as if it weren’t your right
I offer up one last cry and even scream your name
I know it makes no difference; you’re gone just the same
I finally sink beneath the waves, having breathed my last
I only have my memories; the rest is in the past
I’ve heard there are many fish and when it’s said and done
To you I simply have become just another one

Ride JTA (2004)

I ran up the escalator and rushed to catch the tram
(Should've woken earlier but, hey, this is who I am).
I grabbed the bar, held on tight and waited for it to go
Then I realized that this morning I wasn't riding alone.
A man was sitting opposite, in his ragged clothes and hat
A pack of cigarettes in his pocket, backpack in his lap.
I didn't know who he was and, in truth, couldn't really care
I just kept on hoping he wouldn't see me standing there.
He was smelling rather rank, his clothes a filthy black
Caught a whiff, grabbed my nose, almost had to yack.
The man didn't notice me and was staring into space
So I looked out the windows at cars as if we raced.
My mind started wandering and thinking of his plight.
I wondered how I would handle it without a home tonight.
If my friends were gone and I’d no one to give a hand.
If all I owned and cared for was gone like hourglass sand.
I thought of mom and siblings and things never said.
I feared for health and safety if I'd had the streets instead.
My pseudo-liberal guilt had finally made me it's bitch
I turned to face the man (who apparently had jock itch).
I muttered an 'excuse me' and hoped he wouldn't hear;
My inner being jostling as apathy fought Christmas cheer.
I was willing to offer him enough for a good meal and a cot.
Instead he just looked at me,
"Hey, man...got some pot?"

Sorry...

I've been busy so haven't been able to write much. Went to see Wedding Crashers last night (funny though a tad long) and am going to comedy zone tonite, trivia or Michael Buble tomorrow (depending on if she can get us free tickets) and the premiere of the Island on Thursday. My brother and his other two kids come to town on Thursday/Friday with my ma and sis coming BACK to town either wed or thurs (I forget). This means a busy weekend. But I do want to let everyone know... the A/C IS working so ... yippee.
whew.
Take care.

Ain't it purdy!

Not sure why I like this pic... but I do.

Ok... the clock on the wall says...

NOTHING CAUSE IT IS COMPLETELY FRICKING MELTED!!!
Damn it's hot. The guy has replaced the whole outside unit... was trying to charge it with freon and came back in and said "Something MORE is wrong with it." Apparently, while he is charging it...well, the gauge was going DOWN. That sucks. So while I had a good pressure of air coming out... it was still just like having a central fan system... the air wasnt actually getting COLDER. Was just blowing the relatively colder air in from outside. How sad is it that I thought it was heaven while that was running. He has since turned it back off to work on it. Argh. So now it is HOT AGAIN!!!
I need to run outdoors again where it's cooler.

HE's HERE!! HE's HERE!!!!

The A/C guy is HERE!!!!! YAY!!!!

It's Damn Hot

Ok, as I sit here writing this I want everyone to know I have NO A/C. Not weak A/C but NO A/C. So it's in the 90's in here. I have windows cracked but the general absence of wind makes it pointless. Now, the A/C repair fella is supposed to be on his way and I hope he gets here soon. Not just so it will be fixed (a great thing, btw) but cause I got a lot of stuff I could be doing right now. Heading to Gainesville tonight for a concert with Jessica and Kevin (Correction... Kevin pussed out, the lil pussy) and it should be great but I need to get ready by about 5 so I don't have time to just sit here doing jack.
Hold on.. I hear a truck.
Damn.
Not the guy.
You never know how bored you can be in your own home until you HAVE to be there.
And it's hot.
So damn hot.

DOMINOES

“Cause and effect, chain of events; All of this chaos makes perfect
sense. When you’re spinning ‘round, things come undone. Welcome
to Earth, Third Rock From the Sun.”
Joe Diffie, Third Rock From the
Sun

You know, it’s funny. Sometimes when I look back on my life I notice certain trends. Not over the course of my ENTIRE life so much as just small segments. For example, my trend this year has been what I like to call “Betting on the wrong horse”. I decide to stay with one job and pass up an opportunity that, while decent or better, still seems to lack something. Sometimes it’s pay. Sometimes it’s longevity. Sometimes I just don’t like how far away it is. In all the cases this year the same thing has happened… I end up making the wrong choice. I turn down a chance at a good paying teaching gig cause it was only confirmed for 12-18 months and the contract I was in was open-ended. Apparently, “open-ended” mainly means they aren’t sure WHEN they will cancel it. So, of course, they cancel it about a month and a half into it. AFTER the other opportunity is gone. For that matter, I took that open-ended gig, leaving a scoring position at Pearson because the scoring project was only confirmed through the first week of July. The so-called “open-ended” assignment ended mid-June.
But this trend goes well beyond work. It’s happening throughout my personal life, too. I chose one woman over another… sometimes over ALL others and get my heart stomped. Hell, that started off the year. I decide to watch one program over another only to have the one cancelled and the other so far into the season that I feel I can’t really get into it no matter how good people say it is. I pick the wrong movie to go see. I pick the wrong time to go see it. I pick the wrong restaurant. I decide to wait for someone to call me to avoid looking desperate or something and instead find out they saw me as not interested. I don’t just show up at Mom’s to help out believing it best to wait until they let me know they are ready to do the chores and end up having her and my sister mad at me for not showing up earlier. Basically, if I have a choice, I should be telling all my friends not to listen to MY opinion or just listen and do the opposite. Of course, with my luck that would simply be the wrong choice between telling them this and not telling them.
Quite a pickle.
So what does all that have to do with dominoes? Simple… just like in dominoes, one decision leads into another. Sometimes you don’t even realize one has affected another until much later. Me taking one job over another means I meet people who may or may not affect me. That’s fine. But it ALSO means I DON’T meet OTHER people. I could’ve taken a night job, which would mean no more Trivia on Wednesdays, which would’ve changed how my life has turned out because I wouldn’t be playing trivia and meeting certain people which would mean not doing some of the things I have done. If I never got to play Trivia as much as I did, I never would’ve found out about the hosting gig which resulted in me hosting trivia at Calico Jack’s in Baymeadows on Saturday nights at 7pm (bring your friends) which would have resulted in, again, me not meeting certain people. And that’s just going back a certain, small length of time. If I went back further, I could see how everything else was affected by one simple decision. So with my new trend of horse betting, I am worried. Not so much for the immediate problems but for the resulting situations a month from now. Or a year. Or five years. Or more.
Quite a BIGGER pickle.
But still, that isn’t why I titled this “Dominoes.” I titled it that way cause I wanted to talk about the dominoes that happen BECAUSE of other people. Relationship dominoes. Them’s a bitch, let me tell you. And it works like this:
Person A falls for another person but they can’t (or shouldn’t) have that person for whatever reason and become upset because of that which causes them to not notice someone else, Person B. But Person B DOES like Person A and now they are upset cause they can’t have them. This longing causes them to miss out on Person C. Person C decides it isn’t worth waiting for Person B or that Person B just isn’t interested though they might be and may even WILL be once they are done pursuing Person A. But it’s too late cause Person C is already thinking about someone else.
That is one set of dominoes. A set arranged in a line.
But let’s look at it a different way. Now Person A is upset about Person X but they still get together. But Person X is involved with someone else. So Person X won’t leave that other person. Now Person A feels like the world is ending since the love of their life is unavailable but they have already had a fling (cause Person X is basically a piece of crap… I’ll have to deal with infidelity some other time) so Person A is left in even MORE pain. Now even if Person B did manage to connect with Person A, the damage is done. Person A is left longing for Person X and any relationship to follow will be hampered by it. This will cause paranoia or lack of faith in Person B, which will affect any relationship with someone else. And so on. And so on. This is a more complicated arrangement. Like those sets of dominoes that do tricks and such.
But what if Persons X and A DID manage to get together. What if Person X left the marriage/serious relationship and tried to make it work with Person A. That’s a different set of dominoes, as well. Trust is destroyed. Person A will always wonder about the faithfulness of Person X and it will gnaw at them for a long time. It’s like a set of dominoes arranged in a circle.
Relationship dominoes are notoriously difficult to see when you are IN the arrangement. Whether you just don’t want to see them or can’t, they are there. When I felt burned by former girlfriends, I know that affects how I deal with future ones. It affects how much trust I freely give and how quickly. It affects how much I do for them and how often.
Looking back, I find myself wanting to apologize to all the people who I have wronged in any way because of these dominoes. And more importantly, to those I never met whom they affect. The guys who liked the girls who liked the guys who liked the girls I made second-guess their feelings cause of how I treated them. Or because of their time I wasted leading them on so they missed out on better guys. It’s part of the reason, I know, why I tend to not readily commit too quickly anymore or even give them a shot. I worry that I will keep them from meeting someone better. Isn’t it crappy… the one, BIG thing I held against Pam is the same thing I find myself doing.
Dominoes.
Just recently I found out a woman I was very interested in had chosen to go with a completely unavailable man. Well, unavailable for anything beyond fun. The wife tends to limit a man’s availability, I guess. She was completely taken with him. Lost to me. I had spent so much time holding off my meetings with other women. Making sure to always have the nights I knew I would see her open. I wouldn’t allow any of the other women to be around at that time; even one who is nice, funny and I have a blast with. I was left as that older guy who hangs around a younger woman but I wasn’t allowed to feel sorrow or pain or anything. She has shown she doesn’t like that. So I have to sit and suffer knowing my loss without being able to act on it. Even if I DID act on it, she is lost to the point where the married man and her strong sense of feelings for him would overshadow anything we might have. Still I wait just as she waits. So the fact that she is longing for an unavailable man has left me longing for an unavailable woman, which caused another who really wanted me to commit to her left longing for an unavailable man.
Dominoes.
Fucking dominoes.

Comic Book Movies

Ok, here's the thing. I like comics. I have always liked comics as far back as I can remember. I have drawn my own POS versions of comics and my writing aspirations have always included comic ideas in them. So why IS it that I don't seem to be the target audience for comic MOVIES anymore? I guess it's the same reason why Star Trek movies aren't made for Star Trek fans. Star Wars movies were made for George "The Chins" Lucas more than the actual fans out there. The Harry Potter movies and the LOTR series all seemed to remove parts from the books that fans I know all couldn't understand and they all spent so much time lamenting the loss that I found it hard at times to enjoy the movies. I got over it, though.
Now don't get me wrong... I am a big Star Wars fan. I loved the original trilogy and enjoyed the second trilogy.... or is that the first trilogy? Damn prequels. I loved the Star Trek movies more... ST 2, 3 and 4 is my fave sci-fi trilogy of all time. But the movies based on the Next Gen crew are all missing something. Maybe it's about expectations. I mean, when the original crew was having their spotlight in the movies, the series had been over for about a decade or more. But the next gen crew had a year off. And it ran longer. And it actually DID manage to spotlight more of the crew. I mean, you had your Dr Crusher eps. Your Troy eps. Your Riker eps...not as many as I'd like, but we'll discuss THAT another day. Hell, even Geordi and Worf had eps! Compare that to how many Scotty fricking eps there were on the old show. Heck, I mainly remember Sulu for sitting at a desk and sometimes running about with his shirt off and a sword in his hand. So the movies being mostly about the big three (Kirk, Spock and Bones) wasn't a big issue. But the Next Gen movies were all about Picard and Data. And the others were thrown to the background. And just like the Potter movies and the LOTR, anything that isn't important to the main plot would either be taken out or just thrown in for color and to appease the fans of it to some extent. Or, in the case of the Star Trek movies, to appease the ACTORS who had to play those parts. And that bugged me. Cause Picard is fine as a captain but making him an action star? Pfft... screw that. And Data did the emotion chip plot line enough times ALREADY that to see it cover three of the films was annoying.
So what's my point? The movies are made to appeal to the widest possible audience. I can understand that. The more people who can see it and enjoy it, the more money for the people putting up the bucks to begin with. It's an investment to them. The fans just want to be entertained. Now I liked the Potter movies. Don't really care about reading the books. They are too long. Same with the LOTR movies... liked them well enough but not enough to read the damn books. Is it the same with Star Trek? "I never saw the show so I would be lost watching the movie." Is THAT a common phrase heard from the mouths of non-fans? I know I have heard it, or variations of it, enough to think it is a lot more common BEYOND just my friends. So what does that mean? It means the studios are making bad choices, I think. When dealing with a property like Star Trek or Star Wars, you want to please the fans FIRST. They are the poor souls who will see the movie ten to twenty times AND buy the dvd(s) AND the books AND the toys etc etc etc. Please THEM first with a solid product and the rest will follow. Makes sense to me. Little different for the book adaptions though. With those, you can get the people who never read the books. I had heard about harry potter, sort of... it seems like fans of the series came out of the woodwork when the movie trailer hit. LOTR I knew about but I am not a big fan of fantasy and didn't want to read them. But I saw the movies. So maybe that's the thing with the book adaptions. THOSE you can make accessible and you can have higher hopes for a broader audience.
Which brings us to comic book movies. See, they fall into the middle. They are book adaptions of series that have fans like the sci-fi movie and tv series... but are adaptions of material some people may only have a cursory knowledge of and, therefore, may not feel the pressure to know too much about them before paying money to see the movie. This is why the movie franchises ALWAYS start with an origin tale of sorts. Sure X-Men didn't REALLY but they did feature the joining of a major character so they could explain it all. The rest all have to feature the first of something. Anyone who thinks Batman Begins is REALLY setting up the OTHER batman movies is a moron. Sure, still has man in rubber suit design but Burton DID the first meeting of Gordon and Bats already, remember? And teh shooting in the alley was Joker, wasn't it? And wait... I thought Batman gave Gordon the bat signal, what gives?!
Yeah, I have had those conversations. Ain't they annoying?
Now with Blade, no one cares about the changes. Except me. I liked the wooden swords and afro in the comics.
But Batman should be easy to do WITHOUT needing an origin tale. Was it done just to get other people to see it so they wouldn't think they needed to see the other four... especially when seeing the last two might make them NOT want to see it? Maybe.
But it was a good flick. Not perfect but good enough. I hate that damn rubber suit though. But people won't accept a man in tights doing these stunts. He must use body armor otherwisde he comes off as stupid going against guys with guns.
Ugh. Shut up you twit!
X-Men. They can't wear spandex. Must wear black leather. Must not use anyone that has powers really hard to explain. Must make Jean older to allow for the love triangle since having wolverine liking a younger chick would be creepy. Unless you allow for his strange relationship with Rogue that even mystique picks up on in the second one. Magneto must be an old bugger (no pun intended) since he was at the concentration camps. etc etc etc. Yes, I liked the X movies... the second was GREAT... but doesnt mean as a fan I can't have issues.
Spider-Man. Fun enough but Tobey is not MY Peter Parker. Didn't mind the Green Goblin but it does show my point: we must have the stuff explained to the common folk and it must be realistic. Why? Why can't Osborn take a syrum that makes him strong AND nuts and he just wears a rubber mask to scare people? Why does it have to be a flight suit that so many people KNOW about (like the glider) that it would make it easy to find out who the bastard blowing all the stuff up really is and arrest him? Why does Spider-Man have to have his mask torn off all the damn time?
Why do the bad guys have to DIE at the ends of the movies? Cause regular folk like their bad guys dying. Even Disney kills off the bad guys.
Why do we have to explain why the guy wears a costume? ANY of them? In the comics, it's what a hero does. In the movies, it must be explained or the costume is taken out of the equation.
Why does Batman have to JUST be a good fighter and have the gadgets? Why can't he be the world's greatest DETECTIVE like in the comics? Too hard to write or too hard to explain?
Why can't Spider-Man joke around as much as he does in the comics? Too hard to believe he makes that many comments while fighting or too hard to accomplish in real time? Why couldn't John Constantine be British? Was it JUST cause Keanu Reeves wanted to do it or cause we ALL know better than to let him try to do another accent again?
Isn't it odd that, as fans, we can accept a lot from the movies made at our expense? Spider-Man wasn't perfect but it was better than it could've been. Same with Batman. Punisher. Hulk. Blade 3. Daredevil (thought the director's R-rated cut is pretty good). Elektra. Hellboy. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. From Hell. Heck, even the Crow changed some stuff that wouldn't have made the story any harder to tell. Read the graphic novel and you will understand what I mean.
Sin City was REALLY faithful... only some slightl changes were done. But Michael Madsen and Brittany Murphy still sucked in it. And anyone who says it was cause they didnt have time to practice should remember it WAS very faithful and the trade paperbacks were on the fricking shelves. It wasn't like they showed up and THEN found out who they were playing.
Catwoman just sucked so we won't discuss it beyond saying "She's meant to be a cat burglar with a conscience of sorts....how fricking hard is that?"
Superman was great for it's day. But then, so was the old Batman show with Adam West. So what gives with the movies?

I don't know everything but here are some answers for ya:
Why did the Penguin have to be a mutant freak and catwoman have to be a female version of the Crow with a leather fetish? Cause Burton is nuts.
Why did the Bat suit get nipples and a lot of butt shots? Cause Shumacher is gay.
Why did Superman have to "fight" Richard Pryor? Cause Warner Bros was run by idiots who realized people were laughing at stuff in the first two and liked laughing. Just be thankful it wasn't 3-d.
Why WASN'T Superman 3 in 3-D? Cause 3-D movies weren't selling like they used to.
Why does the new Superman look like he is gay? YOU figure it out. Plus, Bryan Singer has an agenda.
Why was Hellboy kind of boring? Cause it was in that grey area between being too faithful and not faithful enough. If it was more or less faithful than it was, it would've been more exciting.
Wait, From Hell was based ona comic book? Yes. So was Josie and the Pussycats and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But the cartoons are better known for both so they looked more like THAT than the comic.
If anyone has any other questions... I will be happy to field them.
But really... the reason I wrote about this subject is that Fantastic Four opened this weekend. I've seen it twice now. I like it. It's not very faithful to the details but has the SPIRIT right. Doom was a weak villain compared to his comic counter-part but was still fun. I can't wait for the DVD to see what they cut out but I realize it will probably be the NEXT dvd release which has the deleted scenes or the full edit or some such thing. And i will buy that one too. So, yes, I DO realize that as a fan... we accept WAY too much and call it great or good. The movie IS a good movie... it is just a sucky adaption of the material. Weird isn't it?
Well, have fun.
TTYL.

Ok...seriously this time...

I really plan on actually DOING something with this thing... starting soon. Right now i am just too damn tired after last night. See, I host Team Trivia at Calico Jack's on Baymeadows in Jacksonville FL... 7pm Saturdays..bring friends!! ... and I usually do stuff afterwards and I ended up staying up til about, oh, 8am this morning. I managed about 4 hours sleep before ahving to go help mama yank up the carpet in her dining room so the new one can be installed tomorrow. Yay...what fun. Now, in my infinite wisdom, I am trying to determine what to do now. I mean, it IS sunday...so Simpsons and Family Guy is on tonite... plus there's a matter of dinner... but sleep sounds REALLY REALLY good right now.
Man... i hate these dilemmas.
Anyway... i will definitely be making an effort to update this more and more so I can actually start telling people to come read it.

Memories of a Friday Night (2004)

Not sure why I wanted to write this down or what exactly I plan to do with this, but here I sit… writing it down anyway.
Ok, see, some co-workers of mine at JEA were going out to Studebaker’s on June 4th to take swing dance lessons. I tried to get another co-worker to go with me to watch. He didn’t want to.
Need to remember to give him crap for that.
But anyway, this place is damn near out in Middleburg. I mean WAY the hell out in O.P.! And I fought and fought the urge to go out there but I realized that it was no use. You see, there was a specific co-worker that was going to be there.
Her name is Misty.
And I think she is beautiful.
I’ve wanted to see her dance for as long as I have known her. Plus, I wanted to have a chance to actually spend some time with her outside of work. In a more “fun” setting. Not that we have never gone out or anything but it’s been a while. The only way I get to see her outside of work is to drop by her other job. She says she wants to hang out with me from time to time but nowhere near as much as before. We don’t talk as much as we used to. She rarely logs onto to Yahoo Messenger and chats. I rarely get emails outside of work and even THEN sporadically. Phone calls are more often by my instigation than not. I know she’s having a hard time lately and would much prefer to either find her ex-boyfriend changing for the better or getting another guy she likes to actually make a commitment to her. She knows what I can do for her and I truly believe she knows I am a good person for her. Someone who can appreciate her. Not just for her appearance, which is already fantastic and only getting better. Some who can also appreciate WHO she IS. Also fantastic. Also getting better on a daily basis. The same reasons she broke it off with her ex are the same reasons she has shown so much growth as a person that I cannot help but be completely infatuated with her. But I digress.
So I head out to Studebaker’s and finally arrive in the parking lot. I send a text message and tell her this. She replies that the lessons were cancelled. I can’t see the car for the other co-worker, Cali, and realize that she didn’t drive herself. Whether she came with Misty, whose car I DID see, or by some other means I didn’t know. I did suspect the truth but wanted confirmation. I had been asking Misty to send me a reason NOT to go out there. But since she isn’t big on replying to me (I call and text her too much, I know), I hadn’t gotten word back.
So I finally get off my ass and go inside. I walk straight to where they are.
Ok, THAT is bullshit. I actually walk straight into the part of the club they are at but I hide at the bar for about 5-10 minutes. I order a beer and can barely drink it my hands are shaking so much. Why am I nervous, you ask? Simple. Let me explain.
See, like I said, the only times I see her anymore is when I drop by her job. Uninvited. Unrequested. And probably unwanted. Now, Misty will say she doesn’t care if I come or not. But see… THAT is my problem. But I’ll come back to that in a little bit. Let’s just say that I was worried that I was forcing my presence on her and Cali… AGAIN.
Anyway, I do finally get over to them and get a welcome. Cali makes a joke and introduces me to her (soon to be ex-) boyfriend and Misty simply says “Hi”. Not sure if she just wasn’t surprised since she got my texts or what. I also couldn’t tell is she was happy, sad, completely indifferent or mad about me being there. This will come back up in a little bit, too.
So we sit and talk. We change bars and keep playing. Misty and Cali are dancing. I am moving in what passes for dancing in my world since I haven’t been able to do it for quite a while. Not for lack of desire or trying but simply due to lack of opportunity. I like to go out and go to clubs and bars. Especially when the company is good. Now I could fill this whole thing with nothing but descriptions of my past with Cali, limited as it is, or with details of my talk with Mark.
But I won’t.
Cause in a couple of months, I won’t remember any of that. I won’t remember Cali feeling free to hit me. I won’t remember that the woman in front of me coming in was born on 09/11/1983 and had a crappy I.D. I won’t remember that I tried a new drink and liked it. I won’t remember the playing around with Amy, the bartender, or with the bartender in Liquid with Mark telling me I should “go for it”. I won’t remember much of my attempts to get Mark to dance with Cali. I won’t even remember watching Cali and Misty do their little pseudo-lesbo BS with the cherries. I won’t remember watching people learn to line dance. I won’t remember what songs were played or that weird break dancing kid. I won’t remember anyone else in that club. After time erases all memory of that night only one thing will remain. Only one person.
Misty.
Watching her dance is a memory I will keep as long as I can. Watching her move to the beat. Watching her hips gyrate. Watching her pivot and sway about. Watching her face, eyes closed, her expression serious but with a hint of a smile. She was lost in the music and the dance. And it was pure beauty. She wasn’t wearing any of the “Going out-fits” I had heard about. She wasn’t overly made up with make-up or with her hair all done up. No glitter was seen. No, her hair was up in a ponytail and I had seen the outfit before. But that didn’t matter. Her clothes couldn’t hide her movements. Her outfit was completely unimportant. When she danced before me, all I thought about was watching her. She was almost in silhouette. An outline of a woman who loved what she was doing. And the few opportunities I had to actually pretend I was dancing WITH her, touching her, holding her, moving my own hips as best I could to match her skill, all moments of them are safely stored and locked away in my mind. Replayed ad infinitum. I awoke the next morning after only 4 hours sleep with a smile on my face and thoughts of her dancing on my mind.
Sounds like a wonderful night, doesn’t it?
So why am I sad?
Why does it hurt to think about it?
I’ll have to think about that and come back to this.
Right now. I need to get away from this. I want to enjoy the thoughts and memories.
I want to dwell on that part and not the rest.
But I WILL deal with that.
Soon.I promise.

I Am That Child

I AM THAT CHILD
I am that child who sits in the corner
Legs pulled up, arms crossed tightly around
I stare off at nothing but see the world
I would cry but that would draw attention
I would scream out but that would admit defeat
I’d stand up but my legs fail me
I’d ask for help but from whom?
I’d say “goodbye” but I don’t remember “hello”
I’d say “I love you” but I don’t remember
The words
I am that child who sits alone
I am that child and I am scared
I am that child…

Filler

Occasionally, I will post some of my writing, be it poetry or other such crap, just to fill space. Just a word ot the wise. It helps me keep this thing moving along.