Ok, this is a shitty year, alright...

... But then... most of you have gathered that. Everything is confused... nothing makes sense... things that seemed so, well, RIGHT just a few short weeks ago now seem so far out of reach that i can't understand how I ever imagined them. I came close to losing my mother. I still may yet lose her. Actually, that's a naive statement. I WILL lose her, that's unavoidable but the thought of it has been slapping me in the face so much lately that I forget that I didn't used to ponder it. Now it's all I think about when I see her. Work is frustrating but some of that comes from me dating co-workers. One has moved on and is so giddy happy it sometimes makes me want to vomit (no offense) and the other hates me. The only other people I am halfway interested in knowing are, well, a bit odd and difficult to get to know. So much mystery and things being hidden and such.

It reminds me of the other night when we were searching for my sort-of ex after she stormed out. Her friend tried to call her on her cell and got that message "The subscriber you are trying to reach" message and she said to me, "Well, at least we know she was terlling the truth about that."

Later, her friend looked at me after talking with the ex-b/f and we were trying to figure out the next course of action and she said "That's assuming he isn't on his way to pick her up. She may have told him where she was."

"This is why I don't lie, dammit," I replied.

I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure. That night has become a jumble of events and crap but that idea was shared. It's the idea that we DIDN'T know who to trust. After all, we WERE dealing with HER ex boyfriend and HER family. All she had to say if she spoke to them was "Don't tell William" and voila, I'm out of the loop and so is her friend. IT just sucked.

Or with Ma... they've kept a LOT from me over the years because I'm "the baby of the family" so now I wonder if I ever get the WHOLE story. It's frustrating when what I know is BAD... imagine my worry when I have to consider there may be a lot I DON'T know. ARGH!

So what do I do? I can keep trying to keep my mind off everything and not worry about two women who are very important to me. Or, as some will suggest, focus more on someone who DIDN'T (possibly play me or screw me over). I can dwell on everything and continue not sleeping much. I can try and find something to occupy my time. Used to be so easy when I did trivia 3-4 tmes a week. I can always try to meet new people.

bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sorry, that was funny to me.

It's just weird... there was a time when I was busy enough on my own and yet, the absence of one person leaves a hole that seems unfillable. Why is that? Why is it so hard for me to walk away from ANYONE or anything?

My friend, Jon, liked to point out that I simply MUST have the last word. That's not always true. I DO want understanding... I want to know the TRUTH of it all. So I ask a lot of questiosn about mom. I ask questions about my sort-of ex. I ask lots of questions becasue things don't make sense. Less than 24 hoursto go from hating me to loving me to hating me even more? WTF? How did mom get SO sick SO fast? How did I even GET this promotion if you're now saying on my review that I haven't done everything I need to do for the rank?

Confusion.

Crap.

Cock a diddle don't!

Ok, I've come to a decision... sex is just too much trouble. It keeps screwing EVERYTHING up in my life. Those who know me know that I loves me some sex... love just about everything about it. Sure, there's stuff I won't do but for the most part, anything involving me and a (usually) nekkid woman is fine and dandy and the prime ingredients for a fun night.

I am not being a pig here, just honest. I love the female form. I love the tastes and smells and how their skin looks. It's why I'm not a big fan of tattoos and overdoing the perfume. Get me a woman fresh from the shower before she puts all the lotions on and shit and I'm a happy guy!

So why does sex just get in the way? Not counting my recent heartbreak, sex often becomes a big deal in a young relationship. It's like once you start doing it, that's where your mind goes.

Assuming it's any good.

I once joked that in the beginning, you go to a movie and hope for sex after. Then you go to the movie and actually HAVE the sex after. Later on, you have sex BEFORE going to the movie and on good days, after, too. The trouble starts when you start havnig sex INSTEAD of the movie. You need to foster the REST of the relationship or you're in deep shit.

It's like, a great relationship will help make mediocre sex seem better but great sex won't save a weak relationship.

Hell, just last year I told someone that I was putting in so much effort to get her attention back and get time with her that it couldn't be about the sex... we didn't have that much yet and what we had wasn't that great. But we got along and I enjoyed the physical side more because of that.

So, with my recent mess in mind and realizing it DID start as a fling on my part... fuck buddy type of thing... and an affair on hers... also fuck buddy kind of thing, really since had she gotten it from elsewhere, she wouldn't have needed me. And I can think of others that began with me and the date getting too hot and too heavy too fast. Once the line is crossed, it's hard to back up and say "Whoops, forget that happened!" Even when both parties AGREE, the thought is still there. You more freely touch each other than had you not gone all the way... or even just damn close.

So, I'm wondering if I should give something a try that I have't considered since I stopped letting it be a status chosen FOR me... celibacy.

That's right, the C-word.

I think I have it in me to stand tall and resist temptation. I've done it before. Not by CHOICE, mind you, but I did. I know a couple of friends have recently decided to try this, too. Maybe I should contact them and be Quitting Buddies.

I'm not sure how well it would work. I know how easily tempted I am. Good lord, a woman just needs to shave her legs and wear shorts around me and I'll be wanting to know how her thighs feel aganist my cheeks.

Ah, man... I already have that in my head and I just started THINKING about trying this today!

Ok, technically I started it right after my last time having sex.

What? It helps me feel like I have already accomplished something and encourages me to try.

I'm still debating on the subject of self-gratification... I'm not sure if that should count. I mean, I would need to release tension SOME way and there's only so many hobbies I could do.

So that is where I'm at... after getting my heart stomped so thoroughly I am thinking about swearing off sex.

I'm sure if she knew she'd be thrilled to have had this effect.
So what do YOU all think? Should I give it a try? And I'm not talking priesthood celibacy, simply holding off on sex until the relationship is strong and not like third date stuff.

Yippee!!

My buddy, Jon, took me out tonite and helped keep me busy and distracted so I wouldn't do something stupid again like try to talk to C. I wanted to. Lord, how I wanted to. But I didn't.

Thanks to Jon.

Now, I am taking my nearly drunk ass to bed!

Hope all is well with everyone!

Anyone up for anything Saturday night?

When did I become the BAD GUY?

Last night was an extremely stressful night. After finally getting some relatively decent news in regards to mom... they are relatively confident it's NOT cancer... they don't know what it IS but they feel fine saying it "isn't cancerous". We still have to wait to know for sure but it's letting mom relax a bit.

Anywho, after finally breathing a sigh of relief, C (see previous blog where C was designated) agreed to go out last night with me and her friend. We were all worried about C and wanted to talk with her and make sure she was ok, given some of the more irrational behavior as of late. We agreed that I would go pick her up and would drive her out to the baymeadows area to meet her friend at Chili's. We had chatted throughout the day on email and I had even seen her twice and said hello. It felt like she wasn't hating me anymore.

So, naturally, I got my hopes up.

But I wanted to be in control this time. Not overdo it and try too hard so I picked her up and we dorve. She wasn't talking so I turned on the radio, then a CD. She would make some comments, so would I, but no real conversation. I didn't jump out of the car and run up and hug her like I wanted to or hold her hand while driving like we used to. See? Under control!

Anywho, we get there and have to wait on her friend so we get a table and order some drinks. We chat a bit about nothing major... work and such. Her friend comes and C starts to act distant. She watches TV and really doesn't join in the conversation so I talk to her friend. We steer the conversation towards things that are important... her and her recent choices... without actually specifically naming them or her. We address similar things in our own lives instead. She chimes in a couple of times and is acting rather ornery.

At one point while I am telling a story about Pam.. .if you dont know about Pam, ask... most of you do... but I dont name her by name, of course, no point... but C stands up and says "It's PAM, ok! I'm tired of hearing about Pam!" and goes out to smoke a cigarette.

Odd bit. Though she had obviously been wanting a cigarette so I didnt think TOO much of it. I knew she would get mildly irritated but more cause she had heard the story before more than because it was a Pam story.

I used the opportunity to talk to friend, who had been apprehensive about the evening's plan, and we agreed C was acting off. Distant. Quiet. We were growing concerned.

Her friend and I were having beers (2 4 1 all day every day, baby!) and C was having her vodka and cran. She ultimately would have three. She started to actually talk more and open up... but not in a nice way. Her depression was becoming painfully evident.

See, she has some problems... SAD and depression. She had been on meds and went ot therapy and was doing amazingly well. Then the holidays hit and her doc took time off and she hit some money troubles and couldnt afford to go. 6 weeks without therapy. I thought it was only 3. And she had fully gone off meds. She was still the C I knew but she was angry. Hostile. Mean, at times.

Then it happened. She told the story I was wondering about. The night before she had told her ex-boyfriend about her affair.

With me.

Before their breakup.

It did not go well.

As she told the story, she became more and more upset. She was starting to cry. She showed a mark on her hand where she had burned herself with her cigarette in front of him to make the pain stop. "It's better than cutting or hair pulling", she said. After another smoke break, she came back in to show a fresh burn.. i could still see the ash in the mark. Inf act, I can STILL see it... whenever I close my eyes.

This woman I love beyond reason (as evidenced by many of my actions) was sitting there, telling me how upset she was that she won't be able to date her ex because he's mad at her and showing me the scars from her self-torture. I tried to calm her with the same things I have told her... the ex has forgiven her before for stuff ("I've only seen him mad twice before") and he will get over this as well. IF they still care about each other, they will get thru it... he just needs time. She disagreed.

Oh, yeah... that was me trying to convince her not to give up on her ex. Yep, that's me... idiot.

Then she stops and turns to me and says something that floored me.

"I wasn't upset because of (ex). I was upset because I ruined it with YOU."

I was caught off guard after spending the preceeding several minutes talking about her ex and the morning listening to all the TRUTH she hid that essentially amounted to her pulling away from me and upset cause she kept cancelling on her other friends to see me (including the ex who she hung with on NYE). So I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Bullshit."

She stood up, said "Fuck you!" and stormed out of chilis. It was quite similar to the pam explosion so I told her friend let's wait a minute to see if she comes back. After a minute, I waived the hostess over with the check, paid in cash so we could leave without waiting any longer. I expected to get outside and see her walking around the parking lot or sitting by the car.

After all, we're in baymeadows and she lives over on main st and 9A... quite a haul even in a car. I drove, her cell was only getting incoming calls and she had no cash on her. Plus, she was wearing flip flops. How far could she walk?

So her friend gets worried (as do I but I cant show it) and we agree she should go check out the nearby places where C has been to in the past. I walk out to the street to try and see her but it's dark and she's wearing dark clothes and I have no idea which way she went. I walk around then head over to check on her friend. She's not in any of the other places. I get her friend to call her... no answer... so I say call her home and call her ex since she might call him to come get her or he might at least have an idea of where she's going. We ask them both to contact us if they hear anything since we're so worried.

Nothing is happening so we extend the call list to her sister. Her friend doesnt want me leaving yet since she's getting understandably freaked out. So I waiut, knowing that each moment could take her farther away... but we also dont know which way she headed or if she plans to come back to the parking lot or what... no ideas.

Finally I get her friend to stay at the restaurant and I go driving, thinking she might, in her state, plan to walk home. She finally gets word back from the ex that he got ahold of her for a moment and that she was up at the publix on southside in their bathroom.. .he had just talked to her a few minutes ago and couldnt get her to answer her phone again. So I turned and headed for the publix and told her friend to get up there. I ran inside.. .even went into the ladies room... nothing. No trace. No one walking around the parking lot or anything. With all the parking lots that a pedestrian can cut thru in the area, it was feeling like a needle in a haystack situation.

So her friend theorized she would go up baymeadows to 9A. It's a way to go if driving, certainly, but not sure about a walker. Then again, she WAS planning to walk home (that much she told her ex).

So now what?

Her friend is going up and down baymeadows while I go around the southside area and go back to check publix and everything.

We can't find her.

Her friend keeps calling everyone to see if they know anything.

C walked out around 8pm. We get word back around 10pm that her ex found her. Interesing... what a coincidence. Granted, HE didnt call us... he was having cell trouble, too. It all started to sound fishy to us both but were relieved she was safe.

I was also pissed that the guy couldnt figure out a way to contact us and let us know.

Oddly enough, it came down to a timing thing... she had actually left the publix before we ever got there and ended up down southside. That was a way I thought about checking but never made it that far since I didnt think she had time to walk that far. Again, our start times from publix were different.

I regret not going after her.

I regret not chasing after her.

When she told me that I was torn. I mean, on the one hand what she said was bullshit because she had just gotten thru telling us how upset she was ABOUT her ex and what she did.

Yeah... that was a fun part... I got to be called a "mistake". Yay me!

Ont he other hand, it was bullshit because she didn't RUIN anything. She damaged it, yes... she hurt me, most definitely, but nothing was ruined.

I should've done what I wanted to do and what I was hoping to do when I found her... run up to her and take her in my arms and tell her she didnt ruin anything... that I still love her and then jsut kiss her for all I'm worth.

I didn't get to do that.

The ex found her.

She hates me because I didn't chase after her. she feels I didn't try hard enough. A sentiment shared by her ex after I sent him a message asking if she was ok and also giving him grief for not telling her friend himself. We didn't even know where he was planning on looking so we weren't sure if we were all going to cross paths or waste time looking in the same place.

Yeah, see, MY goal was mostly to find her... no matter WHO did it. I even called a friend or two for help in finding her or calling her.

I drove for two solid hours.

Her friend did the same.

But according to her ex, he found her because he cared to find her.

Oh, and apparently I'm a "douchebag" because his girlfriend of so many years cheated on him with me. I told him he was understandably angry but that has nothing to do with telling me if she's ok. Then he calls me a douchebag. Apparently, it's MY fault she cheated. I hope he calls her nicer names. I'm sure he does since obviously, I'm the bad guy here.

And that brings me to the point... I somehow became the bad guy. At some point, because I didn't run after her... because I didn't immediately believe her comment and react like that... that I QUESTIONED it based on what hse had JUST told us all... because I didn't try hard enough to find her no matter how exhaustive a search we TRIED to do...

I AM THE BAD GUY.

She hates me more.

She went from loving me and being depressed because she ruined things with me... to hating me and never wanting to see me again.

I am again back where I was... I don't know WHAT to believe. I don't understand the shift. She won't talk to me and the way I am, it's murder for me. I don't just walk away without truth. As long as I have truth.. .no matter how painful it may be... I can USE that to walk away.

Instead, I am seen as the bad guy by a woman I loved and had hopes of marrying. She was so much of what I wanted for in a woman and more... stuff I hadn't thought about.

And she hates me.

Thoughts?

Mom

They are still waiting to do the colonoscopy. They have said it will be the "last one before lunch." According to Wanda, that is NOT a good thing. I will be heading up there shortly to try and see her before since should things go awry, she will be taken straight into surgery. Apparently, Ma was in denial when she referred to the growths as being on her spleen. They are most definitely some unknown things on her pancreas and surrounding areas so they will be going in to look for malignancies. Should they find them... it will most likely mean mom will not make it thru the year.

Her sister died at 60 from pancreatic cancer.

Her mother died at 59 from pancreatic cancer.

Two of her aunts died in their early 60's from pancreatic cancer.

Mom is understandably scared.

Wanda and Wendy have both agreed they are scr*wed.

I hate hospitals.

I hate going to them. Even to visit when it's something silly. Nothing good has EVER come from visiting hospital in my life. The closest I've come is to be able to say, "Well, at least you didn't die on that trip... came close but...." Very few people can get me to go to a hospital. Mom is one of them. But even then it's only when Wanda says I should come. When we know mom will be home in a day or two, I usually don't go. Yeah, like I said... I HATE hospitals. Call me a punk loser all you want but I hate them.

So, when I say to you all that I am going to go and see her today... keep this in mind. It means I am truly frightened.

And what REALLY stinks... you'd think all this would put my recent troubles in perspective. Instead, it simply makes the absence that much harder to take.

I can't wait until the first day this year where I actually have something GOOD happen.

I'm sure I'll be much better to be around then.

Well, at least closer to normal.

Anywho, that's the update as it stands now.

Talk at you all later.

New drawing: "She... hates me?"

Here it is in the actual pencil form....





And this is it in a "played with" format... used te charcoal feature.. which is odd since it was done in charcoal.






Anywho... yeah... this is how I found out she hated me. A text message.

2007 already shaping up to suck worse than 2006

Many of my friends and readers know what's been going on lately and how bad last year ended. I tried to stay hopeful for a happy 07 with chances at improving my life and loves but have been rather depressed.

This morning I woke up as my sister/roommate, Wendy, got ready for work. I had takena lot of melatonin last night but that stuff really just helps you FALL asleep... not STAY asleep... so I got up, went to the restroom and since I was awake, checked email. I got a message from my sister, Wanda, who lives with mom.

William and wendy,I am taking mom to Memorial ER.I will keep in touch with her status. Mom says "William go to work" and "Wendy,stay in bed,your sick" I will keep you informed.

The year was sucking and I hadn't even got out of BED yet!

I had spent much of yesterday over at Mom's to watch her. I had to do laundry and got a wlak in and did other things so she wouldn't feel like she was being mom-sat. Of course, Wanda asked me right in front of her to come back later that night to check on her. Wanda knew something was up but wasn't sure what. I'm not surprised, we've all been feeling it. We've always been sensitive to tragedy... what a shitty trait to share, right?

Anywho... I get a call around 8 from Wanda. Still not out of bed yet... The email sounded important but since Wanda wa there and telling me it was ok, I went back to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well even WITH the pills so only took me half an hour. It was during the phone call I got the REST of the story.

My mother was taken to Memorial ER this morning around 630. She had been noticing blood during BM's since yesterday and, though I was present much of yesterday, she hid that it persisted until Wanda got home and she made sure to check. They have since done a pelvic area CAT scan, no results yet, and have admitted her to do a colonoscopy tomorrow. They know two things for sure... she has gall stones and that the bleeding is serious.

The nerve wracking part was when the doctor said the one word that we never wanted to hear, "Pancreas."

We are all waiting and stressing since her sister died 5 years ago from pancreatic cancer. Her sister was 3 years younger than Mom is now.

We've all watched her health deteriorate this past year. We now worry that it's because of that damnable word.

If you're of the praying sort, I'd appreciate the sentiments. I may not be a believer but mom is. Thank you.

Gonna need some help with this one...

This is proving to be too much for me. I am coming up blank on what to do to keep my mind off things. I am not the type to run out and just drink my troubles away (dammit! that always looked so easy!). I need SOMETHING to do. I spent tonite Mom-sitting and playing around trying to delete all the comments on my MySpace page.

They really need a way to delete them all at once.

Anywho, I came home, watched some tv and am yet again contemplating taking 6-7 melatonin in order to just go to sleep. I can't read without my mind wandering. Writing has been fruitless unless it's a blog. TV has been nothing but poor choices... the ep of scrubs just on where Michael J Fox shows up had me in tears... not because it's simply a powerful ep (which it is) but because of where my mind went with it.

I can't keep being like this.

I feel stupid.

If she obviously can't give a righteous shit about me or us, why should I? Obvously, logically speaking, there is no point in dwelling on it since there is no hope. She made that quite clear.

My last spoken words to her were about me saying "I'd say feel free to call if you ever wnat to talk/need me but you wouldn't, would you?"

She simply said, "Probably not."

But she sure did rely to my general "Happy New Year, thank god this year is over" message with a nice big smiley face and all.

See? I know she was out having a blast last night. So why couldn't the knowledge that she was enough to motivate ME to do the same? What IS it about being dumped that makes it hard to really move on? You'd think just the act of BEING dumped would be enough to just say "Fuck her!!" and go off and live it up.

This is quite interesting.

Maybe I should use this time to study it and learn why it is this way.

Hmmmm.

Naw!

I want to just keep my mind off it until it's too far in the past that I won't even remember her face. Shouldn't be too hard... she has already blocked me and there's really no reason for us to see each other at work.

So... anyone of my Jax peeps up for any fun?

This is why I don't tell Mom stuff...

Ma: So why so grumpy?

Me: I've got a headache.

Ma: So what did you do last night to get a headache? Where'd you go?

Me: I tried to go out with Kevin... left before midnight. Wasn't feeling god... not in the mood.

Ma: What happened?

Me: Nothing. Just not in the mood.

Ma: You used to get like this with Pam whenever you two fought. You wouldn't be in the mood for anything. What happened with that girl you were dating... with the yellow car (ma sucks with names)?

Me: We're not dating.

Ma: Didn't you just bring her over here earlier in the week?

Me: Yeah.

Ma: But you're not dating?

Me: Nope.

Ma: Not seeing each other ever again?

Me: According to her, no.

Ma: What did you do?

Me: NOTHING.

Ma: You must've done something REALLY bad.

Me: I didn't do ANYTHING.

Ma: So what happened?

So, now, for ALL of you out there... here is what happened as best as I can understand it after talking at length with her yesterday... this is almost verbatim what I explained to Ma.

Ahem.

"Apparently it's MY fault because I wasn't supporting her request for space. She blames me for the times she cancelled on her friends to come see me even though I kept telling her to not do so, would get onto her if she did and would encourage her to see them. This is her view even though I never forced her to come over or spend the time In fact, 1/2 the times we saw each otehr (at least) she would ASK to come over and would TELL me she planned on staying. She stopped telling e when she SHOULD have had other plans because she knew I would get onto her... that much she admitted. So not only did SHE choose to come over, she hi details from me so I wouldn't make her feel bad about her decision. A decision supposedly based on the idea that she PREFERRED to spend time with me and that it was hard for her to say "No" when I DID invite her. So, you see, it's MY fault and she feels the need to not just distance herself from me but get rid of me completely because she actually LIKED ME TOO MUCH and worried she wouldn't discover herself, what with me encouraging ehr to do just that and offering to be right there with her if she was scared or nervous. So... we can't see each other again because we actually enjoyed seeing each other a lot and didn't get bored and actually went out of our way to see each other. As she would say, "No one else could get her out of her PJ's at 930 at night to drive 35 minutes to come see them" or "Take a spontaneous (to ehr) trip to Orlando withot knowing why." That's what I got from her esterday once she stopped trying to deliberately hurt me to get me mad enough to hate her an walk away to make it easier for HER to get ehr space since she couldn't simply take time on her own or talk to me and explain so I could be more supportive in giving her room.. something I never knew I was even enfringing on."

Ma: That's too bad.. I know how much you loved her.



That's mom... always prepared to throw salt on the wound.

Needless to say, Ma is now coming up with questions so I am keeping myself busy until I can think of an answer. Any ideas? Anyone else able to make heads or tails out of this one?

God did that year suck!

I once joked with someone that the years of my life is the opposite of Star Trek films... with me, it's the even numbered ones that SUCK. Granted, that's not a fair statement since I actually liked many of the odd numbered Trek films, personally. But that's not my point...

Let's take a walk down memory lane and examine just how much this year sucked.

I started off in the beginning stages of what could be an interestnig relationship. We had spent xmas eve together and would talk for hours online and in person and such. She alraedy had plans for NYE (which sucked since I helped her pick outfit and knew she would look frickin HOT!) and I had already made tentative plans with Kevin. Anywho, I would never actually see her, except for a brief glimpse in the mall, this year. Amazingly, a running joke between us was suddenly taken in the completely wrong context and she flipped out. Instead of simply talking to me or reminding herself she was, I dunno, DRUNK when she got mad... she simply ran.

During this time I had just started a new job at Kemper. It was ok but was turning out to be a lot more responsibility and work than what they were paying me for. The job was still kind of new... was a combo of two or three other positions, really... and the methods and procedures were still being ironed out. That just made it even MORE frustrating. But it was a new social environment and I was meeting new people.

After that debacle, I had been put off dating a bit so I wasn't actively searching... so of course this meant people found ME. I came across two people, one in a relationship that she desperately wanted out of... the other was recently out of one and was just wanting to hang out and see what happens. The former I had actually talked to online for almost 2 years by this point but was never allowed to meet her. The latter was just nuts. The former was a pot head, the latter was a recovering coke nut.

I also finally heard back from a woman I was deeply interested in from the previous year who had gone off thinking we would never get serious... prolly the fact that we never managed to really get out of her apartment all that often during our relationship. Not for lack of trying, mind you, so don't judge me! We began chatting again and she would tell me about her new guy and whatnot.

I was becoming more serious with my old net chum and wanted to start seriously dating her. She told me she had broken it of with her ex and we seemed to be doing ok... she had stopped smoking pot (go check out the Great Experiment blog set, part 1, for more on her). The other one had gone full on flake and was out of the picture...and turned out to NOT be a recovering coke nut after all. The "recovering" part was another in a long line of lies.

Anywho... job was going ok but I felt the first few tinges of possible burnout and me and the manage were working out possible ways to get me help. I was starting to talk with a co-worker more... hung out a few times... I ws never interested in her for more than bar buddy but she ended up proving too wild even for that. Ultimately, a misunderstanding would cause her to believe I was telling people stories about us. The only stories I told people was that I was truly not interested in her at all. Somehow this got warped into "Yeah, I fucked her". And people wonder why I always test the grapevine. But thru her I DID get to meet another co-worker who would become a big part of this year later on.

The girl I was most interested and I hd agreed to keep it light and fluffy for the time being so I did try and date. She met some of my friends and we sure were ACTING like we were serious. Turns out she was apparently just wanting the excuse to continue hanging with the ex. Ultimately she would go back to him. Several times. Good thing I kept dating.

I met a nice woman while trynig to hook my buddy kevin up with her. We had gone out to try and redo NYE since he had gotten food poisoning. The psycho chick went with us because we ran into her at D&B when she was celebrating her b-day and friends were wimping out on her so she tagged with us. She helped pick out the chick and even made the first move. Yadda yadda and next thing you know me and her are texting over the next few weeks, meet, hang out and we've chatted off and on ever since. That was a bright spot except for her never-endng quest to just toy with me and tease me. She's a good flirt and tends to fall asleep any time we were supposed to hang out. Oh, well... still a cool chick.

(Sorry if some of this is out of order... this is how I remember the year.)

I tried dating a co-worker.. we were just supposed to be fuck buddies... she agreed so don't give me grief... hell, it was more HER idea!!! Anywho, I made the mistake of actually telling her I was starting to LIKE her... we had a really intense conversation one day and it triggered something in me that saw her as more than just a pretty face. She apparently was also starting to like ME but was bothered by it and began to run and hide from me. She lied about things to break our plans or ran late for bullshit reasons (thought the reasons she gave ME were always serious.. the truth was not).

I was still interested in my net buddy and it finally came down to her deciding to go back to him. Later she would come to me and tell me her B-C pill was a lot less than effective and I would be back into the picture... but HE was still the one getting to see her and talk to her and help her thru the abortion of MY child. And because of how much the ordeal pained HIM she decided she simply HAD to give him another chance. Yep... no lie. She still found sex with him repugnant... hence how she knew it was MINE... but wanted to give it all another serious chance... after all, the previous two years wasnt nearly long enough a test run. Yes, I'm bitter. I feel I earned it.

I got a chance to be with my dream girl. It was nice. The dream will always be better. We're still friends. Awesome.

I met a very pleasant and attractive woman off yahoo personals/myspace who we will call A. I thought we hit it off. She disagreed after a while. Oddly enough.. and this is something I have never understood... A once got mad and broke up with me, so to speak, because I fell asleep before she got off adn didnt' call or email a good night to her. She took this to be a bad sign and got upset. And yet, apparently, during all that time dating she never thought we were a good match.

Women... y'all are confusing little nutjobs, ain'tcha?

Well, given that I enjoyed our company it was painful to see her go. But thru a strange turn of events, I had begun to hang around another co-worker, we'll call her C. It was fun and exciting. We were keeping it light, of course, since she was still with her boyfriend.

Ok, what? Jesus... it's not easy for me to find COMPLETELY single women anymore, ok? Good god, get off my back!

Anyho, we kept it light because of that. But see, she was friends with that other co-worker, we'll call her B... the one who went into hiding? She had been dating otehr people all along... some seriously, some not so much. I thought we had secured a friendship since she would get amd at me... VERY mad... but would always return. Usually whenever something was going wrong in her current relationship. Sh found out about me hanging with C, her former friend (and cube mate... shhhh dont judge!) and became irate. B was seriously ANGRY at me for it. "You and C are gonna start dating and fall in love adn all that!!" This was after she found out we were gonna watch a movie together. Our first hanging out opportunity. Yeah. So she kept it up like that for a while. It all came to a head and her "true" feelings were revealed. She was angry because she was jealous because, she claims, she truly did care for me VERY deeply. This was a shock to me. For me, the choice was simple... we could start dating. Because of what happened last time, I didn't want to be exclusive... besides B was still seeing this other guy and still obsessed over her ex.

And me and C were simply keeping it light. We had even talked about backing off a bit to make sure casual dating was ok.

This leads right into the LAST BLOG. It truly does. You can go read that one right now and come back if you need to.

Also during this time I was trying to get a different job. I was truly burned out on the other. It didn't matter if it was at the same company or not. I found one... the transition proved so fucking stressful I almost quit... and once almost got fired... and I felt swallowed up in a mire of ignorance and stress. I don't like that at work!

Plus, mom was getting worse and worse. My sister that lives with mom was also recovering from all her heart issues. My sister/roommate was drinking more and more and we were getting on each others nerves more often than not. My brother had vanished out of embarrassment... he didn't call his daughter on her 21st b-day or his son AT ALL. We found out he was a deadbeat dad, too.

My own health hasn't been all that peacy either... I got sick WAY too much and out of some stupid plan back before 01/01/06, I did't get med benefits. I wasn't supposed to be staying at Kemper for more than January so I wanted all the money I could get while I waited for WaMu to remove hiring freeze... I already had been GIVEN the job, I was told, they jsut couldn't hire me.

But the biggest problem in my life? That's right... WOMEN!! See, what sucked is that BOTH of them were telling me the SAME things about the other. Neither believed the other was actually interested in ME. It was a competition. They didn't want the "prize"... they simply wanted to beat the other person. "B is just worried that I (C) will tell you secrets about her!" "C is just jealous!" On and on it went. I was of the mindset that they were BOTH right.

Sadly, I was also easily convinced OTHERWISE. I gave B a chance... tried to. But neitehr one of us could forget what had happened before. Her lying... me benig with C.

During all this initial mess I was still, for some reason, interested in A. It became clear that A was never gonna happen so it did leave me with just B & C. I made a choice... based on logic and, well, ORDER of arrival... first come and all that... and then proceeded to have one big rollercoaster ride that ended with me squished.

I have no idea what to believe. Who is right? Who is wrong? Did I make the right choice in the beginning? Doesn't really matter since B is with someone she really likes. Granted, it was within like a week of us ending but still... I AM happy for her. I thought I could believe what C was saying... for the most part. But recent revelations have brought EVERYTHING into doubt.

My new years eve last night was painful... tear filled... I tried to go out... ended up feeling like shit and left before the midnigt hour. I saw some fireworks driving home, though. I was invited to a small gathering with some friends... good friends... that I dont see nearly enough... but I would've been piss poor company so I didn't go. They continued to invite me over even well after midnight but I couldn't do it. I went home, took some melatonin... kept taking it until they were all gone and passed out. I woke up with a mild headache, several texts, and no energy to do much of anything today.

BUT!!!!

Work is getting easier. A has said she wants to hang out some time... give a friendship a try. Mom has stopped her decline in health. I feel better PHYSICALLY though I stilll don't have time to walk like I want to. So maybe... just maybe 2007 will be a good year. Or it could break the pattern like Star Trek: Nemesis did.