When did I become the BAD GUY?

Last night was an extremely stressful night. After finally getting some relatively decent news in regards to mom... they are relatively confident it's NOT cancer... they don't know what it IS but they feel fine saying it "isn't cancerous". We still have to wait to know for sure but it's letting mom relax a bit.

Anywho, after finally breathing a sigh of relief, C (see previous blog where C was designated) agreed to go out last night with me and her friend. We were all worried about C and wanted to talk with her and make sure she was ok, given some of the more irrational behavior as of late. We agreed that I would go pick her up and would drive her out to the baymeadows area to meet her friend at Chili's. We had chatted throughout the day on email and I had even seen her twice and said hello. It felt like she wasn't hating me anymore.

So, naturally, I got my hopes up.

But I wanted to be in control this time. Not overdo it and try too hard so I picked her up and we dorve. She wasn't talking so I turned on the radio, then a CD. She would make some comments, so would I, but no real conversation. I didn't jump out of the car and run up and hug her like I wanted to or hold her hand while driving like we used to. See? Under control!

Anywho, we get there and have to wait on her friend so we get a table and order some drinks. We chat a bit about nothing major... work and such. Her friend comes and C starts to act distant. She watches TV and really doesn't join in the conversation so I talk to her friend. We steer the conversation towards things that are important... her and her recent choices... without actually specifically naming them or her. We address similar things in our own lives instead. She chimes in a couple of times and is acting rather ornery.

At one point while I am telling a story about Pam.. .if you dont know about Pam, ask... most of you do... but I dont name her by name, of course, no point... but C stands up and says "It's PAM, ok! I'm tired of hearing about Pam!" and goes out to smoke a cigarette.

Odd bit. Though she had obviously been wanting a cigarette so I didnt think TOO much of it. I knew she would get mildly irritated but more cause she had heard the story before more than because it was a Pam story.

I used the opportunity to talk to friend, who had been apprehensive about the evening's plan, and we agreed C was acting off. Distant. Quiet. We were growing concerned.

Her friend and I were having beers (2 4 1 all day every day, baby!) and C was having her vodka and cran. She ultimately would have three. She started to actually talk more and open up... but not in a nice way. Her depression was becoming painfully evident.

See, she has some problems... SAD and depression. She had been on meds and went ot therapy and was doing amazingly well. Then the holidays hit and her doc took time off and she hit some money troubles and couldnt afford to go. 6 weeks without therapy. I thought it was only 3. And she had fully gone off meds. She was still the C I knew but she was angry. Hostile. Mean, at times.

Then it happened. She told the story I was wondering about. The night before she had told her ex-boyfriend about her affair.

With me.

Before their breakup.

It did not go well.

As she told the story, she became more and more upset. She was starting to cry. She showed a mark on her hand where she had burned herself with her cigarette in front of him to make the pain stop. "It's better than cutting or hair pulling", she said. After another smoke break, she came back in to show a fresh burn.. i could still see the ash in the mark. Inf act, I can STILL see it... whenever I close my eyes.

This woman I love beyond reason (as evidenced by many of my actions) was sitting there, telling me how upset she was that she won't be able to date her ex because he's mad at her and showing me the scars from her self-torture. I tried to calm her with the same things I have told her... the ex has forgiven her before for stuff ("I've only seen him mad twice before") and he will get over this as well. IF they still care about each other, they will get thru it... he just needs time. She disagreed.

Oh, yeah... that was me trying to convince her not to give up on her ex. Yep, that's me... idiot.

Then she stops and turns to me and says something that floored me.

"I wasn't upset because of (ex). I was upset because I ruined it with YOU."

I was caught off guard after spending the preceeding several minutes talking about her ex and the morning listening to all the TRUTH she hid that essentially amounted to her pulling away from me and upset cause she kept cancelling on her other friends to see me (including the ex who she hung with on NYE). So I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Bullshit."

She stood up, said "Fuck you!" and stormed out of chilis. It was quite similar to the pam explosion so I told her friend let's wait a minute to see if she comes back. After a minute, I waived the hostess over with the check, paid in cash so we could leave without waiting any longer. I expected to get outside and see her walking around the parking lot or sitting by the car.

After all, we're in baymeadows and she lives over on main st and 9A... quite a haul even in a car. I drove, her cell was only getting incoming calls and she had no cash on her. Plus, she was wearing flip flops. How far could she walk?

So her friend gets worried (as do I but I cant show it) and we agree she should go check out the nearby places where C has been to in the past. I walk out to the street to try and see her but it's dark and she's wearing dark clothes and I have no idea which way she went. I walk around then head over to check on her friend. She's not in any of the other places. I get her friend to call her... no answer... so I say call her home and call her ex since she might call him to come get her or he might at least have an idea of where she's going. We ask them both to contact us if they hear anything since we're so worried.

Nothing is happening so we extend the call list to her sister. Her friend doesnt want me leaving yet since she's getting understandably freaked out. So I waiut, knowing that each moment could take her farther away... but we also dont know which way she headed or if she plans to come back to the parking lot or what... no ideas.

Finally I get her friend to stay at the restaurant and I go driving, thinking she might, in her state, plan to walk home. She finally gets word back from the ex that he got ahold of her for a moment and that she was up at the publix on southside in their bathroom.. .he had just talked to her a few minutes ago and couldnt get her to answer her phone again. So I turned and headed for the publix and told her friend to get up there. I ran inside.. .even went into the ladies room... nothing. No trace. No one walking around the parking lot or anything. With all the parking lots that a pedestrian can cut thru in the area, it was feeling like a needle in a haystack situation.

So her friend theorized she would go up baymeadows to 9A. It's a way to go if driving, certainly, but not sure about a walker. Then again, she WAS planning to walk home (that much she told her ex).

So now what?

Her friend is going up and down baymeadows while I go around the southside area and go back to check publix and everything.

We can't find her.

Her friend keeps calling everyone to see if they know anything.

C walked out around 8pm. We get word back around 10pm that her ex found her. Interesing... what a coincidence. Granted, HE didnt call us... he was having cell trouble, too. It all started to sound fishy to us both but were relieved she was safe.

I was also pissed that the guy couldnt figure out a way to contact us and let us know.

Oddly enough, it came down to a timing thing... she had actually left the publix before we ever got there and ended up down southside. That was a way I thought about checking but never made it that far since I didnt think she had time to walk that far. Again, our start times from publix were different.

I regret not going after her.

I regret not chasing after her.

When she told me that I was torn. I mean, on the one hand what she said was bullshit because she had just gotten thru telling us how upset she was ABOUT her ex and what she did.

Yeah... that was a fun part... I got to be called a "mistake". Yay me!

Ont he other hand, it was bullshit because she didn't RUIN anything. She damaged it, yes... she hurt me, most definitely, but nothing was ruined.

I should've done what I wanted to do and what I was hoping to do when I found her... run up to her and take her in my arms and tell her she didnt ruin anything... that I still love her and then jsut kiss her for all I'm worth.

I didn't get to do that.

The ex found her.

She hates me because I didn't chase after her. she feels I didn't try hard enough. A sentiment shared by her ex after I sent him a message asking if she was ok and also giving him grief for not telling her friend himself. We didn't even know where he was planning on looking so we weren't sure if we were all going to cross paths or waste time looking in the same place.

Yeah, see, MY goal was mostly to find her... no matter WHO did it. I even called a friend or two for help in finding her or calling her.

I drove for two solid hours.

Her friend did the same.

But according to her ex, he found her because he cared to find her.

Oh, and apparently I'm a "douchebag" because his girlfriend of so many years cheated on him with me. I told him he was understandably angry but that has nothing to do with telling me if she's ok. Then he calls me a douchebag. Apparently, it's MY fault she cheated. I hope he calls her nicer names. I'm sure he does since obviously, I'm the bad guy here.

And that brings me to the point... I somehow became the bad guy. At some point, because I didn't run after her... because I didn't immediately believe her comment and react like that... that I QUESTIONED it based on what hse had JUST told us all... because I didn't try hard enough to find her no matter how exhaustive a search we TRIED to do...

I AM THE BAD GUY.

She hates me more.

She went from loving me and being depressed because she ruined things with me... to hating me and never wanting to see me again.

I am again back where I was... I don't know WHAT to believe. I don't understand the shift. She won't talk to me and the way I am, it's murder for me. I don't just walk away without truth. As long as I have truth.. .no matter how painful it may be... I can USE that to walk away.

Instead, I am seen as the bad guy by a woman I loved and had hopes of marrying. She was so much of what I wanted for in a woman and more... stuff I hadn't thought about.

And she hates me.

Thoughts?